I’m sitting in my friend’s parked car at her apartment building in Berkeley, feeling blocked and stuck. My instinct to just be and let it all hang out is clashing with the way most people operate. I’m coming up against the world.
I’m fighting it, instead of flowing with life.
Why am I so down?
I felt so ecstatic a few weeks back. So free. So comfortable with uncertainty. Anything could happen. The world was full of possibilities.
Since then, I’ve been away from my New York friends. I’ve been traveling across the country visiting other friends and having a great time in each place. But I really miss the life I built for myself in New York.
I’ve also learned that the people at the Australian Embassy don’t trust me when I say I have no intention of giving up my permanent residency in the United States, and therefore won’t stay in their country indefinitely. They denied my visa because of this, and I won’t be able to go to Australia on this trip.
And I lost someone who made me feel fully loved and understood, no matter what. It’s hard when I consider the possibility that he might not care about me at all anymore.
Maybe it was all in my head.
Maybe the friend I saw in him wasn’t really there. Perhaps I invented the strong connection I feel even now. Perhaps his love for me was never unconditional. I mean, if it was, how could it have evaporated over a few misunderstandings?
So now I can’t count on him being there for me. I feel alone, and it’s weird because I was perfectly happy with myself before meeting him.
It’s like he was a piece of a puzzle I didn’t even know I was missing.
But at the same time, I know I am whole and complete as I am and everything I need, I already have within me.
I still wish I could count him as my friend. That I could call him to talk about how things are going on my trip. That he could laugh with me at the funny things, and cheer me up when they don’t go so well. That I could know how he is doing, how his life is going…
Things are just not going my way right now.
I don’t know what to do.
My intuition tells me to stay open and trust the process. It says, “relax, you don’t need to worry about the Australian visa. You can go some other time. Just make sure you get the visa to visit India, and everything will be fine.”
I can handle that.
But I’m not so clear on the lost friend situation. My gut tells me that, as a friend, there’s no reason why I couldn’t contact him to make peace. But I’m not sure he would consider me a friend anymore. His goodbye seemed pretty final… Wouldn’t my contacting him be disrespecting his wishes? I don’t want to impose myself on him.
Then again, if our connection was real and mutual, it couldn’t have disappeared just like that.
I go back and forth with these arguments in my head. To make matters even more complicated, my gut also has an opinion and likes to interrupt. It’s like I’m witnessing a bunch of Italians arguing loudly at the beach, and I all want is to have a moment of peace so I can enjoy my surroundings.
I’m on a trip that’s supposed to be fun and liberating, and this is all I can think about.
Blocked and stuck.
My thoughts are blocking my gut instinct to just do what comes naturally.
I’m scared, and I don’t like it. I don’t like me this way, and it’s tripping me up.
I’m overwhelmed by all the things I have to do before I leave the country, and feeling down on myself isn’t conducive to achieving any of them.
I need some time alone to reset, which is why I’m staying alone in the car instead of following my friend into her apartment. And I need to treat myself well. Love myself up! Go to a yoga class. Have some good, hearty, healthy food full of love and good energy.
Most of all, I need to be patient. The answers will come without me having to force them.