Mhhmmm… Random Moaning (and why I don’t care what you think)

So, I’m back in this space. And it feels wonderful.

WONDERFUL.

In fact, it feels scrumptiliciously awesome-tastic!

Really. I have to make up words to describe it, and those don’t even begin to remotely touch how good it feels to be back here.

So much pleasure! It’s like I’m making love to life, and life is returning the love back to me. I cannot contain myself!

Mhhmm… It’s so good I find myself randomly moaning at the magic of it.

People around me must think I’m insane but I don’t care.

It feels that good.

By now you must think I must have found the love of my life and I’m sharing some fantabulous moments with him here in the idyllic islands of the south of Thailand.

But no.

Well… Not exactly.

What happened is that I found me. Again.

And I had missed me so much!

Back when I left my home in New York City, I was in this space. I had connected to my gut, my intuition, my inner guidance. The fountain from which things started flowing, and life just happened effortlessly.

I felt empowered in my own self and in my woman-ness. (Femininity seems too weak a word for what I’m trying to express).

I felt like “the shit.”

No, I was the shit.

I could tackle anything, get any man I wanted, build a community and a business around me, look absolutely fabulous in the process.

I walked proudly, with a straight back and an open heart, feeling the power of the muscles and the strength of the bones underneath my skin.

Everything was alive and vibrating with energy.

It felt delicious!

And then… I left.

I left for my adventure, which was absolutely amazing in its own right.

But different.

While traveling, I lost my self. I started doubting my self, wondering whether or not I was doing the right thing.

Should I go back home? What was I trying to prove? What is it that I was looking for? Do I really need to visit all these places? Is it curiosity and growth or just an escape?

The past 3 months especially, there has been lots of questioning. Mostly, the doubts came from me not being in a supportive environment.

Which is not to say others are to blame. I was the one who put herself in those environments.

It’s also not to say that there’s anything wrong with the people who made up those environments. They just weren’t people that I felt completely comfortable with, so that I started withdrawing.

Putting up walls and acts.

I stopped being authentic and living from my center.

But the place I’m at right now in Koh Phangan is magical and helped me gift myself the best gift I could have ever wished for this holiday season.

I got my self back, and I’m committed to make it stick this time.

This is why I’m changing my plans a bit.

I was intending to go to India at the beginning of the year, but now I feel I need to make the space to solidify this experience and fully integrate this part of my self into my life.

So I’m staying put for a bit. And maybe, instead of going straight to India, I’ll go to Bali first.

We’ll see.

I will do what feels right at the right time.

On a slightly unrelated note, I hope you all have wonderful, WONDERFUL holidays and a that 2010 is the year in which you become/keep being “the shit.”

Wherever you’re at, embrace it, enjoy it, and LIVE it with every cell in your body!

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