I’m increasingly convinced that talk-based therapies, while very helpful, are not enough.
Have you ever had the experience of understanding a more positive way of interpreting a situation or transmuting your feelings, but still feel all that hurt and pain and anger and sadness?
Yup. Been there.
In fact, I’m there right now. As I’m getting over my ex-partner, I’m experiencing a feeling of unwantedness.*
* At least I am past step one, which is separating the experience from my identity (i.e. “I am experiencing a feeling of unwantedness” vs. “I am unwanted.”) Yay me!
Every time something reminds me of him, our relationship, or how it ended (and being back in NY, there’s a lot of those coming up!), this feeling comes up.
I have analyzed and dissected this feeling, its reasons for being there, and its possible origins to points so convoluted that I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore.
Along the way, I realized several things:
I realized that my relationship with him was a way of bringing stuff up so that I can work on it.
I can see that the universe, in all its tough-lovingness, sent me this wonderful gift of suckiness so I can better myself.
It’s not about him, really.
I can understand that he is where he is in his life, and I am where I am in mine.. and we don’t match.
I get that I need to just accept that who is he is not who I thought he was. Furthermore, I know that I don’t want to be with who he is. I also know I deserve better.
So why is this unwanted feeling still there???
I have no clue.
I get the sense that it’s something that precedes him; something to be worked on when more clarity around this subject comes up.
More importantly, I know this feeling of unwantedness is something I concoct. I know it’s absolutely not true.
I know I am wanted.
But the feeling is still there, regardless of what my mind thinks or what I know.
What to do??
A friend suggested naming this feeling something else. Otherwise, I’m creating a disconnect between what my mind knows and what my heart feels. Why not call this feeling something that both can agree on?
I had to ponder that. There’s some truth in his words.
But I felt calling it something else would just be fooling myself. Somewhere inside, every time I called it something else, there would be a voice saying “You know that’s BS!”
Nevertheless, I found something I can do that is along the same lines:
I can go into my body.
Get into my sensations.
What does this feeling feel like in my body?
All of a sudden, what I’m feeling is not unwantedness.
It’s a knot in my stomach. A knot in my throat. Tight shoulders. A feeling of constriction.
Going into my body immediately brings me into the present moment.
Even better, putting my attention on my sensations allows me to explore this feeling without all the usual biased perceptions, judgments and resistance.
It gives me the gift of full acceptance; the ability to breathe into the sensations, ride them, and let go of my need to control how I feel.
In what ways do you deal with your mismatched mind/heart perceptions?