First, I’d like to apologize for taking so long in between posts.
It’s been a hectic month! Looking for a new place to call home and trying to get stuff off the ground after traveling for so long aren’t piece-of-cake projects.
Especially not when your brand of perfectionism is the type that manifests as procrastination.
Yeah.. That voice in your head that says “if you’re not gonna do it right from the get go, why start it at all?”
But that’s a topic that we will tackle in some other post in the near future.
In any case, I’ve finally found a home (YAY!), so now I can focus on work again.
Which brings me to the following conversation I had with my left shoulder. It ached terribly, right above my shoulder blade.
And, yes, I talked to it. Judge all you want. Or not. Whatever.
The point is that, despite sounding like a crazy person, talking to yourself consciously brings a lot of insights.
Here’s how it went:
Me: Hi, Shoulder! I notice you’re hurting. What is this about?
Aching Shoulder: Loneliness.
Me: Oh. Hi Loneliness. It’s been a while since you’ve been around. What’s up?
Loneliness: I’m lonely!
Me: Yes, I understand how you feel. Why are you lonely?
Loneliness: Because I’m scared.
Me: Scared of what?
Loneliness: I’m scared that you will never be with someone again.
Me: Oh.. I see. And why do you feel that way?
Loneliness: Because… Because… What if they screw you over? Worse, what if they don’t but you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop and make it impossible to have the kind of relationship you want?
Me: Hmmm… Those are good points. So, what you’re saying is that you’re lonely because you feel I will not be able to trust a partner fully again? That I will always be wondering if I can completely let go in a relationship with someone else?
Me: Ok… I have to sit with this for a bit.
Me: Hey, Loneliness?
(The entity previously known as) Loneliness: Loneliness left. This is Fear.
Me: Oh.. Hi Fear!
Me: So.. I wanted to point out something to Loneliness, but it’s better that you’re here since this has to do more with you. Thanks for coming!
Me: Do you realize that, even though I know you are trying to protect me, it is this very instinct to distrust that will make it very difficult to have the relationship with both want for myself?
Fear: (Grumpy). Yes. I don’t want you to get hurt again.
Me: Awww… Fear! You’re such a sweetheart! I really appreciate your concern. Thank you for trying to protect me.
Fear: Damn right!
Me: It’s just that… Can I tell you something? This inability to trust hurts me more than any screwing over anyone could put me through. You see, I don’t want to screw myself over.
Fear: Hmm… I see. But I’m not sure how I can ease up yet.
Me: Ok. That’s ok. We’ll both sit with it until one of us comes up with an answer. Thanks for listening.
Fear: No problem.
To be continued….