I don’t like pretending to be something that I am not.
A lot of people would say I have to put on the “Expert” suit, strut my stuff, and sell, sell sell to get business.
But that doesn’t seem ethical to me.
Moreover, pretending to be perfect and have all the answers is a hell of a chore. What a burden!
Plus, as you should know by now, I prefer nakedness to any suit.
I’m not perfect.
I’m human, which is why you can relate to me.
It is also why I will now share with you one of the ways in which this not-having-it-all-figured-out-edness is coming up in my life right now.
Lately, I’ve been experiencing a feeling of lack of support.
Lately, it seems the people I thought I could rely on,… I can’t.
Doesn’t it suck when you realize that you can’t count on someone that you thought would be there for you?
I’m not expecting people to drop their lives like hot potatoes and come to my rescue. I’m not really looking for solutions or advice.
Just a little support. Listening. Holding space for me to talk it out and find my way out of it.
After all, that’s what friends are for, right?
For me, this feeling of unsupportedness is centered around my heart, solar plexus and lower belly.
After sitting with it for a bit, it came to me.
The issue here is Trust.
At the bottom of the nasty realization that we cannot rely on someone anymore is a feeling of misplaced trust and betrayal.
Wow! I thought I could count on this person!
It feels like a bit of a slap in the face, doesn’t it?
A growing distance between friends doesn’t necessarily mean there’s less caring, even though we might take it personally and want to think of it that way.
Their interests change. Their ability to relate changes too.
And that goes for us too.
How many times have we been the ones who couldn’t devote the time to someone else?
Sometimes we are left behind. Others, we are the ones leaving our friend behind.
And, though it’s scary, and it sucks, and we want to hold on… Well, growth sometimes mean people grow apart and in different directions. It’s the way it is.
And why should we hold on to something that either doesn’t serve us anymore, or doesn’t serve a person that we care about?
This by no means we don’t love the person anymore. It just means that we understand the boundaries of our friendship and will think harder before asking them for help when we need it.
Going a bit deeper, this is about trusting ourselves.
I have to admit that part of me feels like wow, I was totally wrong about feeling like I could rely on so-and-so. Am I such a bad judge of character? Can I ever trust my friend-selecting skills again?
Just because I cannot rely on this person now doesn’t mean I wasn’t able to rely on them before. Or that I won’t be able to in the future.
This is now.
I have no business extrapolating to anything because it will only trip me up.
So… What to do?
First of all, forgive.
Forgiving ourselves and our friend and letting go of expectations is the first step.
After all, it’s expecting the person to be there that got us into trouble in the first place. It’s the attachment to the relationship that led us to feel entitled.
So… Appreciate the friendship for what it was and what it is. And appreciate yourself and your friend for who you were and who you are.
This will make it easier to forgive for having the expectations and forgive the friend because there’s nothing wrong with changing.
Then… find a new source of support.
First, find support within. Without this, there cannot be support from outside.
We need to be our own best friends. Care for our body, our mind, our spirit. Do things that make us feel good and are in support of our health and happiness.
This sends us the signal that we are supported, appreciated and loved… by us.
Most importantly, this is telling ourselves that we can rely on ourselves no matter what is going on.
And trusting ourselves is one of the most important things there is.
Part of this support that we give ourselves is getting out there.
Stepping out of our comfort zone and seeking support from new people.
It could be online.
For example, I recently found a very supportive group of people as a result of a teleclass on copywriting from the fabulous Havi Brooks.
There was so much fabulosity going on during the class, that Andy, from Journey to the Spirit of Healing, took it upon himself to create a Google group to keep in touch with everyone.
We’ve been e-mailing each other daily, cheering each other on and giving feedback.
How awesome is that?
You can also join a forum, or an existing Google group, or even a meetup (which is great because they also have offline meetings!).
And/or you could get some support offline.
This has the added advantage of being able to hug someone or be hugged, instead of the virtual versions.
There’s the aforementioned meetup groups. There’s also countless activities (yoga, dance, book clubs, knitting clubs, cooking clubs, sports clubs, gym classes, art classes, etc etc), and all sorts of support groups for all sorts of subjects.
There’s events: film and music festivals, activism events, chocolate fairs, expos…
My favorite are Evolver spores. I never fail to meet interesting people there (though, let me warn you, they will be the quirky interesting kind).
Another one is volunteering, which has the bonus of feeling really really good before, during and after.
The point is to stop wallowing in self-pity and get out.
Bottom line: if we want support, we have to create it by giving it.