I don’t know about you, but I’m all about my process. And I’m here to share it so that you 1) realize you’re not the only one, 2) give yourself permission to feel this way, and 3) possibly maybe take something from it.
Sometimes I’m not sure what that will be, but I feel moved to share this. Even though I’m in a rush and should really really be packing for my weekend retreat.
So let’s bang it out!
Recently, I’ve been going through a tremendous growth spurt. And with growth spurts such as this come… growing pains.
Specifically, I’ve been stepping it up, putting myself out there, stepping out of my comfort zone, making myself even more visible. Feedback has been great. People love me and love what I offer.
But there’s this little voice that keeps coming up when I’m feeling like things are going great. It runs in the background, telling me how it’s not going to last. How it’s all going to go down hill.
It sounds like a siren. Or an alarm.
And I finally decided to stop trying to ignore it and give it a voice.
So I had to sit down and have a conversation with it.
This is what came out:
Me: Why are you trying to self-sabotage us?
Self-Sabotage:Because it’s not safe. You can get hurt. I’m scared for you. That if you believe how great you are, you’ll become arrogant and no one will like you. That you’ll get selfish. People will start being all, like, “who does she think she is??”
Me: But I want to like me. What’s wrong with that?? I want to be free of this self-doubt, regardless of what people think. I’m tired of caring so much. It hurts. And it stops me from really offering what I feel very strongly I’m here to offer. It stops me from really stepping into my power with a strong voice. Makes me scared that I’m going to fail so then… I get choked up and I feel like a failure, regardless of the feedback I’m getting from others. And I start beating myself up, which is when you happily chime in to tell me I should hold myself back because “See? You can’t do this!”
Self-Sabotage: So what do you want me to do? Give up? Just wait around until you get hurt, and say “I told you so”?
Me: Yes. No. I want you to stop whispering to me that I’m not good enough. I want you to work with me, instead of ” Poor me”-ing myself. I want out of the feeling that everything is gonna go sour any second, that doesn’t allow me to fully enjoy the highs unless I’m surrounded by other people who distract me and make me feel good about myself. I want to feel good when I’m by myself, instead of analyzing in the background and hearing your voice telling me it can’t last. I’m gonna crash any second. That tells me I’m not good enough and that I shouldn’t trust people that tell me otherwise. That they must want something from me. I want an end to this. And I don’t want an “I told you so” if/when I get hurt. It’s my choice to stay open and vulnerable.
Self-Sabotage: (grumpy) Hmmm… ok. I’m not sure if I can do that though…
Me: Can you try?
Self-Sabotage:I can try.
Me: Awesome. Thank you so much! I want to keep this conversation open. I want you to feel heard.
Self-Sabotage: That sounds good. Thank you. I will really try to support you in a more empowering way.
Me: Aww… You’re such a sweety!
Self-Sabotage: *blush* Just don’t tell anyone.
I’m excited to find to how things change after this.
Can any of you relate? Please leave your insights, reflections, and/or other wacky conversations with inner voices in the comments. And notice I didn’t ask for advice. Thanks!