Haircuts, Sexiness and Letting Go

This might be one of those that are easier for women to relate to.

5 years ago, I committed myself to growing my hair all the way down to my waist. I wanted long, wavy, hippie hair.

The first 3 years, I got impatient and cut it again so, after that, I committed myself to it more fully. I was not going to cut my hair (for more than a trim/shape) until my goal was reached.

Until today.

Between all the traveling and not trusting random people with my hair, I hadn’t had a haircut in over a year.

This was especially bad because my ends were getting all split up, and it was not conducive to my hippie hair dream.

I had to get it trimmed, and also give it some shape.

That’s how I ended up at ION, a very chic hair salon in Soho, on a quarter waxing moon day (they’re supposed to be the time to cut your hair if you want it to grow).

I was very clear with my stylist, Mariano, and he understood exactly what I wanted.

While getting my hair washed (seriously, I would go to the salon just for that!), I got the feeling like I might want something different to reflect all the changes in my life.

As part of a recent serious commitment to finding a partner, I recently started really taking a look at all the ways in which I block myself from exactly that. I’m also taking a more grounded and clear direction around strategic business-building, and feeling more like a woman in that sense and less like a girl.

My hair was always long (as a true Latina), and it was a symbol of my roots, my femininity, my sexiness and a source of power for me.

Like a female Samson.

And one of the things that I realized recently is how much I incorporated my ‘Goddessness’ and my approval of my own sexuality as a way to be in control of my interactions with men.

It really brought me to see the difference between sensuality as manipulation and sensuality as self-expression, something that is not often addressed in Goddess workshops or the movement in general. (I’m offering a talk on this on Friday, by the way)

I decided this needed to change, because this inability to be soft (really soft, not just pretend soft) and step out of my comfort zone by giving up my control during interactions with potential partners was really getting in the way of me getting what I want.

And so it seemed to make sense to me to want to get out of my comfort zone with my hair, and let it represent my leaving behind these blocks along with my locks.

So as Mariano started to dry my hair, I told him I would like a more drastic change. Something feminine, but a bit edgier while still being low-maintenance.

The result is a shoulder-length layered cut that works straightened, or air-dried taking advantage of my natural curls.

When he was done, I was really happy to have taken the risk. My getting out of my comfort zone paid off.

And then…

I saw myself in the mirror a few moments later, and started freaking out.

Who is this???

The uncertainty that overcame me, just from a haircut, was unbelievable.

I couldn’t find myself in my reflection. I looked more mature, and less sexy than I’m used to.

And that was the point, right? To try on a different way of being.

But when my image reflected it, it was like there was no going back (though, yes, hair does grow back).

And what dawned on me is the extent to which I used my sensuality and sexiness as protection; my seductiveness was a weapon/defense-mechanism designed to keep myself unapproachable and separate, so that men could not hurt me.

Oh my god!

I felt so vulnerable. Still do! I feel cracked open, unsure of myself, wondering if men will notice me and afraid that they will at the same time.

It’s quite silly; I realize that ‘sexy’ is not my haircut, it’s me. And even looking at myself objectively in the mirror, that’s still there… it’s just a different way of sexy.

One that I’m not used to, and that’s a bit scary.

I don’t know this new me yet.

As uncomfortable as this is, I’m grateful. This is a much needed step, and I’m happy to let go of ways in which I got in my way.

Did I have to cut my hair for this? No.

But creating an outward change that I will see in the mirror every morning is a way of reminding myself to stay open and soft, no matter how uncomfortable the uncertainty is. It’s who I have to be to get what I want.

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7 thoughts on “Haircuts, Sexiness and Letting Go

  1. It’s amazing how much we relate our sexiness, power, emotions, etc to our hair as women. I know that any time I’ve gone through something drastic in my life, I chopped off my hair. And I have a similar feeling as you; shorter is edgier, a “don’t get in my way” power move. It’s me making a statement that I may not have control over everything in my life but I have control of this and I can change my entire image with a pair of scissors (and sometimes a box of hair dye). The cutting off of long locks is the symbol of getting rid of those split ends and starting over; healthier, shinier and ready to go in any direction!

    I think you’re beautiful and I love you’re realizing what sparked this impromptu … life change. And what the future holds because of it!

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    • Thanks, Andi! In my case, I wanted something that looked edgier, but was still soft. I’m stepping into my business woman role more strongly, and at the same time realized that I used my sexiness as a fortress so that no one could get through.

      It’s amazing how much of our identity is wrapped up in our hair!

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  2. Thank you for sharing this experience! I just cut my hair a week ago for the first time in years (had a similar goal of growing it out) but it became unhealthy so I went for a short look. I still feel raw and insecure about how others will now see me. Nice to hear I’m not the only person who can go through an emotional upheaval from a haircut 🙂 Thanks

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    • Thanks for your comment, Jasmine!

      It IS amazing, isn’t it? And no, you’re definitely not alone in it. We just have to remember, others will see us as we see us. Walk it proud, goddess!

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  3. Pingback: Haircuts, Sexiness and Letting Go | AuthentiCity

  4. ” I used my sensuality and sexiness as protection; my seductiveness was a weapon/defense-mechanism designed to keep myself unapproachable and separate, so that men could not hurt me.”

    Quite an insight. There is a palpable feel to women who carry their sexual energy/seductiveness as a defense… and those that embody it as self-expression. A woman carrying it as a weapon will never have someone like me approach her. SAFETY is important to me, too. On the other hand, a man who likes to grapple and “win” is more likely to “rise to the challenge” – let the swords clash begin!

    For me authentic self-expression is a different kind of “defense.” It acts like a FILTER. A divine filter. If I am dancing on the treadmill, an authentic self-expression of mine, those who are not compatible… well, we become almost mutually invisible. Those who are vibrationally compatible… we Light Up to each other.

    Your new hairstyle definitely speaks to me in a different language. I like.

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    • YES! It’s all about being a safe space for people (and in this case, men).

      I found that, at least for me, the Goddess movement and what it proposes healed a lot of self-image and self-approval of my sexuality, but I went overboard in some ways and started using my new-found power in a manipulative way that gave me the validation I craved while keeping me protected. But, ultimately, that’s just not fulfilling.

      Thank you.

      Like

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