AHHH! You CAN Have Too Many Insights!

Between all the opening of the last couple of days regarding my haircut and new and more vulnerable ways of being around men, and now all the new insights from today…

I’m a bit overwhelmed.

And a bit scared that these breakthroughs won’t stick because they are so many that I feel like I’m going to lose my grasp on them and what they mean in terms of how I live my life.

So that’s what writing is for, right?

Plus, I’m going to share them in public so that I’m accountable to more than just my inner voice.

To begin, on the heels of a breakdown and with the help of a dear friend, I realized that, unbeknownst to me, I have been operating with a belief that I and what I want don’t matter to other people.

So I’ve made it my purpose to make a difference in their lives to prove that wrong.

Unfortunately, this is not a very powerful place to come from… It can be effective, but in a forceful way instead of an authentically inspiring one. And, of course, that hole would never be filled.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to be this way. Just not powerful, and not what I want.

In my life, this can be seen in the way that I really try to make a difference in my friends’ lives by ‘coaching’ them.

Then they’ll see the value in me, right? So I do matter!

But really, underneath it all, what’s running that behavior is the belief that I don’t, and the way I try to bring that difference to them ensures that the reality match because my guidance is more about me needing to prove something that about them. They can somehow sense that, whether consciously or unconsciously.

In the moment, they are inspired by what I share. But when it comes to following through and actually taking the steps necessary for their actions to be in alignment with what they say they want… Let’s just say I end up disappointed, upset, angry, sad, frustrated, annoyed and sometimes even lonely.

And this is how I know my sharing as for me and not for them.

This is what points to the fact that I’ve been operating in my life as if what matters to me is to prove I’m good enough, important enough, in lieu of just being good enough because I declare it so.

This unconscious drive to prove myself right (that I don’t matter) has really gotten in the way of me communicating authentically and actually making a difference in their lives. It has had an impact on me, and on them.

So how do I let go?

The truth is that I don’t know whether I matter to people or not, but operating as if I don’t is not empowering. Perhaps it’s best to not assume either way. And really, it doesn’t matter because I am enough.

What is worth giving my ‘being right’ up for?

Connection. Real sharing.

What is important to me is that my life is about being fully self-expressed, and making a difference through my self-expression.

My life is NOT about proving that I matter.

I have no clue what this will look like in my life but I suppose me sharing this in my blog is part of it.

Other than that, how will it look like in my conversations with people?

I don’t know.

I realized that, yes, I can share myself authentically but I don’t yet know how to ask for what I want without being run by the ‘prove to me that I matter to you’ program.

I’m open to finding out as I practice.

What else?

Oh! This is also related to my style as a leader/coach.

How do I invite clients to take action in their lives and hold them accountable to their greatness from this new place?

My gut says it involves a lot more listening (even more than I do now), more questions around what is important to them and the impact these unconscious programs have in their lives, and much less advice-giving.

That feels good!

And a lot more balanced as it require more Presence (a Masculine principle attribute) while still being soft and receptive (Feminine principle trait).

My commitments:

  • To notice when the voice in my head starts throwing a tantrum about how I don’t matter based on what they did or said, and firmly declare I am enough.
  • To share myself fully and authentically, whether it is about something that inspires me or about my fears/insecurities/internal dialogue, and make myself clear to the recipient/s of which is which to avoid shaming them or making them wrong unintentionally.
  • To continue to operate from a place of what works for me and others, instead of from a place of wanting to be right and avoid responsibility.
  • To act in alignment with what matters to me, which is to be fully self-expressed and having that make a difference in others’ lives.
  • To not make myself wrong is I fall off the horse. Just get back on as many times as necessary.
  • To be open to new ways in which this new attitude can show up in my life.

So here it is, in writing, so I can refer back to it when I get lost.

I don’t know if this sharing makes a difference to you, but I hope it did. If so, I’d love to read how in the comments section.

And if not, thanks for reading.

Comment étiquette:
If you choose to add your voice to this post, I encourage you to share how it inspired you, or any insights/commitments you’ve come to in your life. It takes a lot of courage for me to take this risk to share this without taking into consideration what it might look like to you, and I appreciate everyone keeping advice to themselves. Thank you!

7 thoughts on “AHHH! You CAN Have Too Many Insights!

  1. I can relate in the sense that I’m quite aware that IF I were to TRY and be an “accountability coach” that I’d end up shredded. 😉 To me there is a dance of energy, and the model that works for me is one of co-creation.

    I also can feel from my past the, for lack of a better term, infantile need to matter to someone… that unless I REALLY matter then my core needs for survival won’t be met. Becoming more internally referenced, caring for my inner Ricky when he’s needing to feel like he matters, almost (!) eliminates the need to “matter” in other people’s lives.

    I say almost, because even as an adult I have survival needs, and I have the call of my Spirit to be a positively impactful co-creator in the lives of those I love (and there are so many! 😉 Impact seems to come when Asking and Allowing come together. That is only when the component pieces are in alignment, congruent. As coaches we can help people FEEL for their alignment, and help clear blocks to feeling congruent in head, heart, gut, sex center. What we cannot do, I don’t think, is just in the act of seeing and sensing POTENTIAL bring it into activation. Allowing people to NOT activate all their greatness right here, right now… and not feeling at all bad about that… clears the overwhelm for me!

    How does that feel to you?


    • Hi Rick! Thanks for your comment and insights.

      I would agree with what you said. It’s just always interesting to me how I think I finally got past that infantile need to matter as you said, only to later find it showing up in other ways or areas in my life.

      The analogy of the onion (and its many layers) comes to mind. Do you think we ever really get past it all?




      • Hmmm… past it all?

        I do think “matter to others” transforms into more a desire for engagement, true engagement. The energy moves from “matter” feeling like “safety” to matter meaning this person, these people, are co-creators with me in a Life that is AWESOME.

        There are people with capacity to co-create with us… and there are people who are still working on feeling safe, and then on feeling full & whole. Our true dance partners have been there, done that, and now are in a place where they can be frisky in not just their SELF-expression… but also with their JOINT-expression.

        Smiles, and dances,


      • Yes, that would be the ideal.

        In my experience so far though, I have found that it’s not one or the other. I have my divinity and my humanity, and they show up in different ways in different areas of my life.

        In some, I am concerned with mattering still. There are times when I can transcend that and make it about my self-expression, and times when that self-expression is involved with the expression of others, making it into joint expression.

        Is one better than the other? I don’t know.

        I do know, however, that even when I think I moved past a specific unconscious self-limiting belief, I find other areas in which it is still operating. My question was if, in your opinion, we can get to the point were we transcend these limiting beliefs in their totality and permanently.

        That’s the idea I’m getting from what you wrote.


      • Let’s say for an example that growth is like an expanding sphere… kinda lumpy as some areas of us grow at different paces as we put our attention on them or have life experiences that exercise us in that area.

        To me the “edge” is always there. We want something, want to express our Self a certain way, want to co-create with another in some yummy fashion… and we recognize that there is growth necessary for us to do that.

        It may be the Belief that took us from where we were to where we are now is going to be exchanged for a perception that gives us the expansion we are asking for.

        Whether it is technology or our perceptions about spirit, it certainly appears to me that we as a culture and we as individuals and we as tribe and circle are regularly setting aside limits, in favor of growth and expansion.

        So when you use the word “transcend” I get the feeling of the release of the pressure or tension or distress that we are not “all grown up”. We feel a peace that “transcends” action… and we also can, if we choose from that place, ACTIVATE and ENGAGE and FOCUS and PLAY and Wheeeeeeeeee! From that place, we walk with a transcendent quality… while also being very much alive on earth, with its gravity (limits) and physics (limits) etc., etc.

        Not sure that answers the question… I had fun with it, though!



  2. “But really, underneath it all, what’s running that behavior is the belief that I don’t, and the way I try to bring that difference to them ensures that the reality match because my guidance is more about me needing to prove something that about them. They can somehow sense that, whether consciously or unconsciously.”

    I started blogging a couple of years ago just to share my journey because I believe our stories have value. At one point in the process (though I’m not a coach or counselor) I believed.that I could “help” others .I stopped sharing and tried to be the coach. That didn’t work out so well. 🙂 It was humbling to realize that I was doing the ‘helping’ more for external validation than for anything else.

    I use to think of help as something you do for (to) someone. I’ve realized that help isn’t help unless it’s received. It must be received and thus is more passive than active. I’ve learned that when it comes to helping, coaching, teaching…that you can’t really DO IT…all you can really do is love the other person. When you truly love them, your real self comes out….they open up in trust and are then receptive.

    Everyone we come into contact with has the ability to become our teacher…and our student. We (humanity) have so much to teach each other…but the pride/ fear/ need we carry around with us gets in the way.

    Really enjoyed this post and appreciated how you phrased things. Thanks for sharing!


  3. Pingback: Living Authentically « Relentlessly Authentic

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