Between all the opening of the last couple of days regarding my haircut and new and more vulnerable ways of being around men, and now all the new insights from today…
I’m a bit overwhelmed.
And a bit scared that these breakthroughs won’t stick because they are so many that I feel like I’m going to lose my grasp on them and what they mean in terms of how I live my life.
So that’s what writing is for, right?
Plus, I’m going to share them in public so that I’m accountable to more than just my inner voice.
To begin, on the heels of a breakdown and with the help of a dear friend, I realized that, unbeknownst to me, I have been operating with a belief that I and what I want don’t matter to other people.
So I’ve made it my purpose to make a difference in their lives to prove that wrong.
Unfortunately, this is not a very powerful place to come from… It can be effective, but in a forceful way instead of an authentically inspiring one. And, of course, that hole would never be filled.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to be this way. Just not powerful, and not what I want.
In my life, this can be seen in the way that I really try to make a difference in my friends’ lives by ‘coaching’ them.
Then they’ll see the value in me, right? So I do matter!
But really, underneath it all, what’s running that behavior is the belief that I don’t, and the way I try to bring that difference to them ensures that the reality match because my guidance is more about me needing to prove something that about them. They can somehow sense that, whether consciously or unconsciously.
In the moment, they are inspired by what I share. But when it comes to following through and actually taking the steps necessary for their actions to be in alignment with what they say they want… Let’s just say I end up disappointed, upset, angry, sad, frustrated, annoyed and sometimes even lonely.
And this is how I know my sharing as for me and not for them.
This is what points to the fact that I’ve been operating in my life as if what matters to me is to prove I’m good enough, important enough, in lieu of just being good enough because I declare it so.
This unconscious drive to prove myself right (that I don’t matter) has really gotten in the way of me communicating authentically and actually making a difference in their lives. It has had an impact on me, and on them.
So how do I let go?
The truth is that I don’t know whether I matter to people or not, but operating as if I don’t is not empowering. Perhaps it’s best to not assume either way. And really, it doesn’t matter because I am enough.
What is worth giving my ‘being right’ up for?
Connection. Real sharing.
What is important to me is that my life is about being fully self-expressed, and making a difference through my self-expression.
My life is NOT about proving that I matter.
I have no clue what this will look like in my life but I suppose me sharing this in my blog is part of it.
Other than that, how will it look like in my conversations with people?
I don’t know.
I realized that, yes, I can share myself authentically but I don’t yet know how to ask for what I want without being run by the ‘prove to me that I matter to you’ program.
I’m open to finding out as I practice.
Oh! This is also related to my style as a leader/coach.
How do I invite clients to take action in their lives and hold them accountable to their greatness from this new place?
My gut says it involves a lot more listening (even more than I do now), more questions around what is important to them and the impact these unconscious programs have in their lives, and much less advice-giving.
That feels good!
And a lot more balanced as it require more Presence (a Masculine principle attribute) while still being soft and receptive (Feminine principle trait).
- To notice when the voice in my head starts throwing a tantrum about how I don’t matter based on what they did or said, and firmly declare I am enough.
- To share myself fully and authentically, whether it is about something that inspires me or about my fears/insecurities/internal dialogue, and make myself clear to the recipient/s of which is which to avoid shaming them or making them wrong unintentionally.
- To continue to operate from a place of what works for me and others, instead of from a place of wanting to be right and avoid responsibility.
- To act in alignment with what matters to me, which is to be fully self-expressed and having that make a difference in others’ lives.
- To not make myself wrong is I fall off the horse. Just get back on as many times as necessary.
- To be open to new ways in which this new attitude can show up in my life.
So here it is, in writing, so I can refer back to it when I get lost.
I don’t know if this sharing makes a difference to you, but I hope it did. If so, I’d love to read how in the comments section.
And if not, thanks for reading.