I Can’t Keep Living a Lie

  
Is it courage? Maybe… Or maybe it’s just necessity.

I can’t keep living a lie… Or maybe not a lie, but the things that are not as true for me as this.

(Sometimes I think I lack conviction, but this here is proof that it’s not true… I actually have a lot of it. Maybe too much.)

Maybe this is reckless and not how ‘life should be lived.’

But there’s so many ways to live life. Why listen to those who don’t choose deliberately, but follow and conform to the default?

Are they happier?

Not really… They are just more comfortable.

[Excerpt from my written musings this morning. Picture taken of chocolat chaud and a cafe creme at Cafe de Flore, one of the oldest and most prestigious coffee houses in Paris, where (eventually) famous writers and philosophers used to sit, ponder and discuss life].

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Playing it BIG

Walk the talk.

I’ve been staying small, and it’s time to go BIG.

Funny how I thought my objections to certain business strategies were about me not liking how they might constrain me, when in reality I didn’t want to take them on because of how visible they required me to be.

A big question has been: should I consolidate all my endeavors into MelodyKiersz.com?

Given how busy I’ve been with Velvet Butter and Paradise Found Retreats (and you haven’t seen my face around here much, have you?), it would make sense to have one hub for everything I’m doing.

My objection was that being my own brand would make it so that I cannot fuck up. That there’s an expectation of who I am, and I cannot be ‘off-brand’ and I don’t want to ever feel like I cannot be myself because of how it might impact my business.

That’s a very real thing but, when my brand and message is about being yourself, that should be null. Right???

But on and on I kept saying I couldn’t do it because of this potential for being constrained in my expression.

Well, I had a call with the awesome Jayc Ryder and he had a fantastic way of bringing it all into perspective without even mentioning what my block really was.

Why was I so against it, even when it made sense that I wouldn’t be constrained because any constraint in my expression would actually be off-brand??

When Jayc made each step so actionable and the possibility of actually having them in place became clear, what came up was this heat around my nose, and a icky pre-sneeze feeling of nostrils opening and that thing that happens right before the eyes get watery.

My heart felt like it stopped and was beating faster simultaneously, there was a lump in my throat and I felt like crying and relieved all at the same time.

And it became so clear that what was actually stopping me was  that I was scared of being that visible.

Of being that BIG.

Like, who am I to be “Melody Kiersz” the brand, the personality, the spokesperson?*

To that I say, “HA! In yo’ face!”, and quite literally.

[*Uh, hello, you are MELODY KIERSZ??? Who else would be that?]

This becomes a matter not just of business, but of spiritual practice. And that’s something I cannot say ‘no’ to.

Time to get out of my comfort zone, especially when (HELLO?!??!!) my message is all about self-love, vulnerability and letting yourself be seen.

In the next few months, I’ll be making upgrades to my business structure and making my offerings a lot clearer.

And I CANNOT wait!

goldfish jumping out of the water

Weeeeee! [This is how I feel]

Jump in!!

What are some areas in which you stay small, but could see making a spiritual practice out of being bigger?

Is Life Not Enough for You?

I was reading about mysticism a couple of days ago. It was an excerpt about someone describing the excruciating pain of coming out of a mystical state, when he realized the horror of having had an experience of ‘God’ or ultimate Union and then coming back to ordinary life. He expressed how such moments continued to come sporadically, but he wanted them constantly.

He says:

I knew so well the satisfaction of losing self in a perception of supreme power and love, that I was unhappy because that perception is not constant.

[NOTE: I apologize for not being able to offer the source of this quote, since it belongs in the footnotes of a handout I received and the origin is not clear].

Reading this, I wondered…

What if the pervasive notion that we are not enough, is really a reflection (projection?) of a sense that this (this life, this right here, this moment) is not enough for us?

It’s so addictive, isn’t it? Once we experienced something that massive and pleasurable, whether it’s the high of Union, orgasm, a drug, the chemistry of falling in love… We want more, and we want it all the time.

We are constantly seeking feeling better, only sporadically being satisfied with life as it is in the moment. Always looking forward to the time when X or Y happens, or when we are finally perfect or enlightened or achieve whatever goal we have in mind.

Perhaps it is not us that are not enough but that life as it is (with its ups and downs, highs and lows, pain and ecstasy) is less than what we think it should be. It should be easier, it should be happier, it should be smoother.

Sometimes we're thrown for a loop!

Sometimes we’re thrown for a loop!

Should it, really?

We then turn those shoulds around and point them to ourselves.

If life is not easier, happier, smoother, it must be because we’re not enough. We’re not doing it right. We just haven’t figured it out. Right?

But there is nothing to figure out.

This is most beautifully and succinctly illustrated by the Buddha’s Flower Sermon.

One day, Buddha sat down in front of all his followers holding a flower, smiling slightly but without saying a word. Everyone was trying to figure out the significance. What was Buddha saying, without saying anything? Why was he holding that flower?

One of his longtime students, Mahakasyapa, kept looking at Buddha and wondering. What was going on??

And then it struck him… and he started laughing. Buddha turned and smiled at him, knowing he got it:

There is nothing to get.

It was just a flower, beautiful/fragrant/’etc adjective’ for being a flower and nothing else.

Life is this flower.

There is nothing to figure out. There is just living it.

But how could that be??

We run away from this realization because it’s so ridiculously uncomfortable.

It’s inevitable conclusion is that there is no rhyme or reason to things, and we have no real basis on which to make choices about how we live our lives. (‘Is this path better than the other?’)

When there is nothing to get, we are left with the complete arbitrariness of our options and that makes us come face to face with not being in control. There must be a reason to pick this over that, otherwise, how can I choose?? How do I know I got it right?

We still try to figure it out.

And around and around we go, in our quest to make life something other than what it is. In our quest to get it right, make it better, grasp the ever elusive prize of a ‘life well-lived’.

Yet it’s the striving for living a life well lived that fills us with the anxiety of us, and/or it, not being enough.

Like a dog chasing its own tail.

Like a dog chasing its own tail.

This anxious striving out of a sense of Life not being what we think it should be, of Life not being enough for us, is exactly what prevents us from being at peace with the moment and feeling content (and maybe even happy) with our lives as they are.

The search prevents the arrival.

When will we learn?

What if we let Life have it’s ups and downs? What if we let go of trying to make it something that it’s not, and lived it on its own terms? What if we forgave it its craziness and unpredictability?

What if we stopped chasing and let Life, and ourselves, be enough?

What if we searched, not out of ‘not enoughness,’ but out of a sense playing this game we call Life?

 

How Am I Not Myself?

Sweethearts,

Recently, I re-watched one of my favorite all-time movies, <a title="I I ❤ Huckabees.

It’s one of those movies that, after watching it for the first time, you’re most likely reaction will be a big, fat… “Huh???

It’s a funny and intelligent mess, starting with a string of curses and a poem dedicated to a rock. (You rock, rock! and it certainly does rock.)

Which is why it’s on my list of favorites that I will watch again and again. Each time offers a different level of funniness and insight.
But I digress…

The reason I’m telling you about it is because there’s a line that has stuck with me since I re-watched I ❤ Huckabees a couple of weeks ago, and it keeps cropping up at the most random moments, sending me into loops.

 

How am I not myself?

 

 

Exactly.

How am I not myself? How am I not myself? How am I not myself???

I feel like I’m a character in that other baffling mind-bender of a movie, Being John Malkovich. (“Malkovich, Malkovich? Malkovich. Malkovich?“… You get my point.)

I particularly love this scene because it is a clear display of how we create masks and stories and habits that we repeat over and over again so that others will like us.

 

But the question is… Even if we do create these stories, are we not being ourselves?

How are we not ourselves?

How am I not myself?

I talk a lot about allowing ourselves to be who we are, without masks… But the masks are a part of us too.

They served us in the past, but perhaps no longer do… Perhaps they are keeping us from connecting now, and being ourselves would mean putting the mask down and allowing ourselves to be visible without them.
In any case, the reason I wanted to share this is because by virtue of this line being stuck knocking around in my head like a pinball machine, I’ve been experiencing the most ridiculous moments of silly bliss.

Honestly.

Try it.

After repeating it a couple of times, it’s so ludicrous that you cannot help but start laughing like a liberated idiot.

It’s the best short-cut to meditation ever.

 

Jump in!

How was it? Did you laugh? Did you slip into Beingness? Did you think “Oh boy, somebody must have dropped Melody on her head when she was a baby“?

Leave your reaction in the comments section. Pretty please.

Fuck My Ego? (In the Best Possible Way)

Ahh, yes!

For ages, I’ve been hearing teacher’s say that we eventually become friends with our ego, that part of ourselves that is small and scared and has a tendency to keep us small and scared.

That voice that tells us we are not good enough, that we will fail and that drives us to seek approval from the outside.

I’ve never been one for ego-bashing.

No.

Instead, I’ve always preferred the “hold your ego’s hand” approach. It just wants love and attention so, give it precisely that and it will feel heard, happy and leave you alone.

Except that hasn’t been the case.

Well, it has been… But then it crops up again, every time I reach a new peak.

It tells me “But you could be more. You could be higher. You could be better.

And promptly brings me off my enjoyment of my high because… it’s right, right? I could be more. I could be higher. And I could be even better.

But instead of feeling excited about the prospect, I feel… lacking. And then I get overwhelmed.

And shut down.

And stuck.

And pretty soon the stuck becomes “I suck.”

And then the “I suck” becomes, “Hey… I was high a few seconds ago, what happened? How could I let this happen? What’s wrong with me???”

So this doesn’t feel like being friends with my ego.

It feels more like a cease fire in which someone (me) is forcing us to shake hands and hold the peace because we have mutual interests in common.

Maybe I’m talking to the wall here and you have no idea what I’m talking about. But I hope you can relate.*

*If you do, please leave your comment!
 

I’ve been especially frustrated with this whole cycle lately because I’ve been really proud of my recent accomplishments, and then this voice comes and brings me tumbling down.

Wait… There’s a question here:

Why can’t I just enjoy the high for a bit? Why do I always have to immediately go looking for the next round, instead of savoring what I have right now?

This is valid.

There’s a fear that I’ll rest on my laurels. That I’ll be content, stop taking action and start slipping.

So as soon as I get what I want, this anxiety to start working on the next thing kicks in.

I’m setting an intention here, and in public, to make some time to enjoy and celebrate my accomplishments without feeling like I have to jump on the train to Next as soon as I arrive at my station.

Maybe I can wonder around, stop at the café for a nutritious smoothie and trust that I will continue on my journey shortly.

But getting back to this whole fucking my ego thing…

I had the privilege of having a session with the fabulous Andy Dolph from Ecstatic Light today, in which we had a conversation with my ego.

My ego was feeling a bit conflicted because, while he wants me to be happy, he felt that not pushing me to be better all the time (and reminding me how “I’m not there yet!”) would result in

1) me sitting on my ass and not doing anything.

2) him being out of a job and therefore dissolving into the ether. (Ego death, anyone?)

As it turned out in the end, my darling ego just wants to feel included.

The following conversation was what came up after our session with Andy ended. I felt I needed to go a bit deeper, and I needed to do it by myself.

Ego: I want to feel included.

Higher Self: You are included. Always. Melody loves you.

Ego: Then why does she want me to go away?It hurts.

Higher Self: Because she feels you’re always telling her she could do better, she could be more… So she feels like you don’t love her the way she is. That she is not fulfilling her potential. She feels she needs to hide this, that no one should know. She feels ashamed, and that she is not fit to help people out of this very same thing because she is still struggling with it. You remind her of that.

Ego: But I love her. That’s why I do it. I love her so much that I want her to continue moving up doing what she is doing. I’m so proud of her! She is amazing! She blows my mind with her amazingness all the time. She is so strong and transparent and willing to risk others seeing her as weak because she chooses to love herself (and me) so much that she’d rather alienate other people before making me feel less loved. She constantly rises to the challenges, picking herself up as a show of her love for herself, me and her commitment to serve selflessly. She is an inspiration. How can she feel ashamed? I don’t want her to feel ashamed.

Higher Self: So how can you drive her to continue on without her feeling “less than” or that there’s a lack?

Ego: Hmm… I don’t know. Perhaps I could just say “Keep going, you’re doing great!”?

Higher Self: That’s a start. She would like that.

Ego: I’m just scared that, if I don’t show her where she could be, her potential, she’ll just sit on her ass and be perfectly happy. Her evolution will stop.

Higher Self: And is there anything wrong with her being perfectly happy?

Ego: Errr…. No. It’s just that then I’m purposeless. Out of a job. I’ll disappear. I don’t want to die.

Higher Self: Is that true? Didn’t you just say you could instead cheer her on?

Ego: Yes. Yes, I can do that!

Higher Self: Plus, regarding this whole evolution stopping thing, life itself will take care of challenging her, asking her for more. You don’t have to take that on. There’s plenty of external stuff that’s going to keep asking her for more. Like all of the women asking for more sexual healing workshops, or opportunities to step out of her comfort zone. You don’t need to do that. You can just keep focusing on cheering her on.

Ego: But… Do you think that will be enough? She won’t stagnate?

Higher Self: Why don’t we try and see what happens? Are you willing to test it out?

Ego: Ok. I want her to be happy. I want her to know I love her.

Higher Self: She does now.

And, as it turned out, apparently I want my ego to love me as much as I want to love it.

Hurray!

I feel so close to my ego now that we’re practically having sex. Hence, the title of this post.

Jump in!

While I’m quite nervous about hitting the “Publish” button and allowing y’all to read this, I feel it’s part of my path and my practice to step out of my comfort zone in this way.

Please, please, please tread carefully and respectfully. As always, I’m not looking for advice but merely for people to share their experience regarding similar “stuff.”

The aim is to allow ourselves to be more visible, shed light on the darkness and give each other permission to be who we are, with our stuff and all. We all have it so let’s show it!

 

Thanks!

Repressing Happiness?

Hello, dear ones!

 

How is this 4th of July weekend treating you?

Yesterday, I went to see Amma, the Hugging Saint from India. She’s making her annual stop in NYC, and the place was packed with people soaking in the atmosphere, eating the delicious food, offering donations and time, and waiting to receive her hug.

If you don’t know anything about her, this is a woman who’s desire to offer and give love was so great, that people worship her as a saint and a goddess, and built all this infrastructure for her to be able to follow this desire.

She is an inspiration to me, and millions of others.

Looking at her, it’s incredible how she gives hug after hug after hug non-stop, without food or pee breaks, while the rest of us need our distractions while we wait for hours to receive her embrace.

It’s always a beautiful thing to witness and experience.

The reason I’m writing about this is because something happened yesterday that I wasn’t expecting, and I’d love to hear if it resonates with you.

As I’ve mentioned in some of my previous posts, I’ve been experiencing some growing pains as I grow bigger and more visible.

I was feeling some sadness yesterday, and being a believer in allowing emotions to run their course, that’s what I was practicing.

I remind myself whatever I’m feeling is temporary, and that it carries a lesson with it if I get through it instead of around it.

So, there I was, feeling content to be feeling sad while watching the whole interplay and inner dialogue happen. All those voices I talk about in this diary. Witnessing what was going on inside me, at the same time being grateful for my ability to practice this.

And always reminding myself to take a look around and appreciate the amazing abundant life that I lead.

I was pretty ok with where I was, feeling this temporary sadness that I wasn’t sure where it came from.

As I got in line for my hug, I was in a very meditative state, drawing closer and closer to Amma. I was feeling at peace.

And then, I was finally in front of her, and she took me in her arms and hugged me whispering in my ear.

Out of nowhere, I started laughing!

You know that kind of uncontrollable laughter that bubbles up for no reason?

Yeah, that!

It was like this sadness was wiped away, and I walked away in a state of joy.

Later, as I was talking to a friend about how people experience being around Amma, he said he believes she brings out whatever is being repressed.

That struck a chord.

Whoa…. Was I repressing my joy???

And you know what? This voice inside of me went

 

Duh! Because you’re uncomfortable being happy., You feel like it’s a bubble that’s gonna burst any second so better just feel sucky all the time. That way, you can be comfortable because you know what you’re getting!

 

Huh?

I’d come across this before, but I never thought I was doing it.

Now I’m wondering when I learned this… What was it that happened in my life that set this pattern up?

If this struck a chord, please…

 

 

Jump in!

I’m very curious… How does this resonate with you? Do you feel like you do/have done this? What are your feelings/thoughts/opinions on this?

Please remember, this is a forum for sharing. No advice is being solicited, so please… None should be given.

 

 

A Conversation with Self-Sabotage

Hello, loves!

 

I don’t know about you, but I’m all about my process. And I’m here to share it so that you 1) realize you’re not the only one, 2) give yourself permission to feel this way, and 3) possibly maybe take something from it.

 

Sometimes I’m not sure what that will be, but I feel moved to share this. Even though I’m in a rush and should really really be packing for my weekend retreat.

 

So let’s bang it out!

 

Recently, I’ve been going through a tremendous growth spurt. And with growth spurts such as this come… growing pains.

 

Specifically, I’ve been stepping it up, putting myself out there, stepping out of my comfort zone, making myself even more visible. Feedback has been great. People love me and love what I offer.

 

But there’s this little voice that keeps coming up when I’m feeling like things are going great. It runs in the background, telling me how it’s not going to last. How it’s all going to go down hill.

 

It sounds like a siren. Or an alarm.

 

And I finally decided to stop trying to ignore it and give it a voice.

 

So I had to sit down and have a conversation with it.

 

This is what came out:

 

 

Me: Why are you trying to self-sabotage us?

Self-Sabotage:Because it’s not safe. You can get hurt. I’m scared for you. That if you believe how great you are, you’ll become arrogant and no one will like you. That you’ll get selfish. People will start being all, like, “who does she think she is??”

Me: But I want to like me. What’s wrong with that?? I want to be free of this self-doubt, regardless of what people think. I’m tired of caring so much. It hurts. And it stops me from really offering what I feel very strongly I’m here to offer. It stops me from really stepping into my power with a strong voice. Makes me scared that I’m going to fail so then… I get choked up and I feel like a failure, regardless of the feedback I’m getting from others. And I start beating myself up, which is when you happily chime in to tell me I should hold myself back because “See? You can’t do this!

Self-Sabotage: So what do you want me to do? Give up? Just wait around until you get hurt, and say “I told you so”?

Me: Yes. No. I want you to stop whispering to me that I’m not good enough. I want you to work with me, instead of ” Poor me”-ing myself. I want out of the feeling that everything is gonna go sour any second, that doesn’t allow me to fully enjoy the highs unless I’m surrounded by other people who distract me and make me feel good about myself. I want to feel good when I’m by myself, instead of analyzing in the background and hearing your voice telling me it can’t last. I’m gonna crash any second. That tells me I’m not good enough and that I shouldn’t trust people that tell me otherwise. That they must want something from me. I want an end to this. And I don’t want an “I told you so” if/when I get hurt. It’s my choice to stay open and vulnerable.

Self-Sabotage: (grumpy) Hmmm… ok. I’m not sure if I can do that though…

Me: Can you try?

Self-Sabotage:I can try.

Me: Awesome. Thank you so much! I want to keep this conversation open. I want you to feel heard.

Self-Sabotage: That sounds good. Thank you. I will really try to support you in a more empowering way.

Me: Aww… You’re such a sweety!

Self-Sabotage: *blush* Just don’t tell anyone.

 

I’m excited to find to how things change after this.

 

Jump in!

Can any of you relate? Please leave your insights, reflections, and/or other wacky conversations with inner voices in the comments. And notice I didn’t ask for advice. Thanks!

 

When That Small Voice Shows Up

There’s that part of us that wants us to stay small.

 

Despite how painful it might be, staying small is in many ways easier.

 

It’s more comfortable. It’s what we know.

 

So that voice that jumps up and tells you  you can’t, you shouldn’t, your not good enough? That voice is designed to keep you were you are.

 

It’s designed to scare you, but it is not evil as many ego-bashers would have you believe.

 

It scares you because it’s scared, not because it seeks to harm you. It scares you because it’s scared of taking that leap out of your comfort zone and believe what that other voice says:

 

Yes, I can. Yes, I’m strong. Yes, I am enough.

 

And that small voice serves another purpose; it presents a challenge. A choice.

 

In doing so, it plants a seed. A possibility that, if watered, can grow into full bloom.

 

This small voice brings with it potential. Potential for expansion. It brings the opportunity to choose whether we believe it or not.

 

Do we want to stand in our knowledge that we are strong, gorgeous, flowing, sexy, smart, fun, successful, deserving, open goddesses/gods? Or do we want to believe we are small and needy?

 

Who do we choose to be, every moment?

 

The truth is, the largest potential for growth lies in watering the seed, not the full grown tree.

 

That small voice that makes us feel fearful, separate and alone presents us with a choice between terror (hide, run away) and vulnerability (stay open, see what happens).

 

This can be the most fertile soil if we know how to work with it. If we stick around.

 

This is why, when this voice shows up? Notice. Be grateful. Water it with love and appreciation for the role it plays in your journey. For being there for you in your learning.

 

And then try to stay open.

 

See if you can sit in that uncomfortable space without trying to change what is. It’s your opportunity to practice equanimity (or radical acceptance).

 

And as you allow the feelings and thoughts to flow through you without snagging on resistance, you’ll see the nuances… the changes. You’ll see how fickle those thoughts and emotions are.

 

And then you’ll see them float away leaving you feeling more loving towards yourself for not having shut that part of you down.

 

Leaving you feeling courageous for having allowed yourself to be the full expression of you.

 

 

______________________

Jump in!

Did you find this helpful? What are your thoughts? Please leave your comments, reflections and experiences below.

 

Do I make you horny, baby? Do I???

Ok, so… you don’t have to use Austin Powers’ famous line (or his atrocious accent) as I do when you ask yourself this question, but the question begs asking nonetheless.

Namely, the question in question is,

Are you horny for life?

Do you feel like pouncing on life, sinking your teeth into it?

Or does thinking about your life leave you feeling kind of…. bleh?

Lists of responsibilities, lists of shoulds, do’s and don’t’s…

Really, there’s no reason to beat yourself up over your lack of enthusiasm. Honestly, that kind of life is restrictive.

Devoid of imagination.

Devoid of possibilities.

Devoid of…. life.

Am I talking about shirking your responsibilities? Maybe…

Not exactly.

What I’m saying is that it’s possible to throw the idea of responsibilities away and replace it with living for stuff that increases your drive for life.

Stuff that needs to get done will still get done. But the motivation is different.

There’s no more lists of should’s, but instead a long list of stuff you’d like to offer. A long list of stuff that you’re excited to offer.

See the difference?

So… Does your life make you horny?

Does it make your mouth water like a delicious piece of chocolate cake?

Does it make you wet… or hard, full of longing, like your favorite sexual fantasy?

Does it make your heart beat faster? Your breath come fuller and quicker, filling your body up with that exquisite feeling that you cannot get enough of?

That feeling of horniness…

Let’s be honest, who doesn’t like to be horny? It feels good, doesn’t it?

Sexual energy is life energy. It’s what drives creation, and all of life.

Unfortunately, in our world we’ve been taught that it’s something to control. To keep hidden. Under wraps.

No wonder we lead passionless lives, yet have an obsession with sex.

There is something inside us that knows we have a deep need for sexual healing.

The kind of healing that leaves us open, vulnerable and willing to take risks. The kind that belies an understanding that this softness is what makes us strong. The kind that shows us that there’s power in being naked.

To make things perfectly clear, I won’t sleep with you. But I will disarm you, strip you and show you a world of possibilities is at your fingertips.

So, get up, get up, get up get up, let’s make love tonight….

I invite you to take on this journey.

I’d love to make you horny, baby.

Horny for life.

Less analysis, more intuiton please!

I’m increasingly convinced that talk-based therapies, while very helpful, are not enough.

Have you ever had the experience of understanding a more positive way of interpreting a situation or transmuting your feelings, but still feel all that hurt and pain and anger and sadness?

Yup. Been there.

In fact, I’m there right now. As I’m getting over my ex-partner, I’m experiencing a feeling of unwantedness.*

* At least I am past step one, which is separating the experience from my identity (i.e. “I am experiencing a feeling of unwantedness” vs. “I am unwanted.”) Yay me!

Every time something reminds me of him, our relationship, or how it ended (and being back in NY, there’s a lot of those coming up!), this feeling comes up.

I have analyzed and dissected this feeling, its reasons for being there, and its possible origins to points so convoluted that I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore.

Along the way, I realized several things:

I realized that my relationship with him was a way of bringing stuff up so that I can work on it.

I can see that the universe, in all its tough-lovingness, sent me this wonderful gift of suckiness so I can better myself.

It’s not about him, really.

I can understand that he is where he is in his life, and I am where I am in mine.. and we don’t match.

I get that I need to just accept that who is he is not who I thought he was. Furthermore, I know that I don’t want to be with who he is. I also know I deserve better.

So why is this unwanted feeling still there???

I have no clue.

I get the sense that it’s something that precedes him; something to be worked on when more clarity around this subject comes up.

More importantly, I know this feeling of unwantedness is something I concoct. I know it’s absolutely not true.

I know I am wanted.

But the feeling is still there, regardless of what my mind thinks or what I know.

What to do??

A friend suggested naming this feeling something else. Otherwise, I’m creating a disconnect between what my mind knows and what my heart feels. Why not call this feeling something that both can agree on?

I had to ponder that. There’s some truth in his words.

But I felt calling it something else would just be fooling myself. Somewhere inside, every time I called it something else, there would be a voice saying “You know that’s BS!

Nevertheless, I found something I can do that is along the same lines:

I can go into my body.

Get into my sensations.

What does this feeling feel like in my body?

All of a sudden, what I’m feeling is not unwantedness.

It’s a knot in my stomach. A knot in my throat. Tight shoulders. A feeling of constriction.

Going into my body immediately brings me into the present moment.

Even better, putting my attention on my sensations allows me to explore this feeling without all the usual biased perceptions, judgments and resistance.

It gives me the gift of full acceptance; the ability to breathe into the sensations, ride them, and let go of my need to control how I feel.


In what ways do you deal with your mismatched mind/heart perceptions?

I’m increasingly convinced that talk-based therapies, while very helpful, are not enough.

Have you ever had the experience of understanding a more positive way of interpreting a situation or transmuting your feelings, but still feel all that hurt and pain and anger and sadness?

Yup. Been there.

In fact, I’m there right now. As I’m getting over my ex-partner, I’m experiencing a feeling of unwantedness.*

* At least I am past step one, which is separating the experience from my identity (i.e. “I am experiencing a feeling of unwantedness” vs. “I am unwanted.”) Yay me!

Every time something reminds me of him, our relationship, or how it ended (and being back in NY, there’s a lot of those coming up!), this feeling comes up.

I have analyzed and dissected this feeling, it’s reasons for being there, and its possible origins to points so convoluted that I don’t even know what I’m thinking anymore.

Along the way, I realized several things:

I realized that my relationship with him was a way of bringing stuff up so that I can work on it.

I can see that the universe, in all its tough-lovingness, sent me this wonderful gift of suckiness so I can better myself.

It’s not about him, really.

I can understand that he is where he is in his life, and I am where I am in mine.. and we don’t match.

I get that I need to just accept that who is he is not who I thought he was. Furthermore, I know that I don’t want to be with who he is. I also know I deserve better.

So why is this unwanted feeling still there???

I have no clue.

I get the sense that it’s something that precedes him; something to be worked on when more clarity around this subject comes up.

More importantly, I know this feeling of unwantedness is something I concoct. I know it’s absolutely not true.

I know I am wanted.

But the feeling is still there, regardless of what my mind thinks or what I know.

What to do??

A friend suggested naming this feeling something else. Otherwise, I’m creating a disconnect between what my mind knows and what my heart feels. Why not call this feeling something that both can agree on?

I had to ponder that. There’s some truth in his words.

But I felt calling it something else would just be fooling myself. Somewhere inside, every time I called it something else, there would be a voice saying “You know that’s BS!

Nevertheless, I found something I can do that is along the same lines:

I can go into my body.

Get into my sensations.

What does this feeling feel like in my body?

All of a sudden, what I’m feeling is not unwantedness.

It’s a knot in my stomach. A knot in my throat. Tight shoulders. A feeling of constriction.

Going into my body immediately brings me into the present moment.

Even better, putting my attention on my sensations allows me to explore this feeling without all the usual biased perceptions, judgments and resistance.

It me the gift of full acceptance; the ability to breathe into the sensations, ride them, and let go of my need to control how I feel.

In what ways do you deal with your mismatched mind/heart perceptions?