… and I must let it all out. I think this is why I haven’t been able to write at all lately.
I’ve been living in my head too much. Thinking. Pondering.
But not acting on my thoughts or my intuition.
As you can see from my last post (both in content and the frequency with which I’ve updated this blog lately), I’ve been stuck here for a while.
I arrived at Phu Quoc Island (Vietnam) this morning, and being near the sea has helped me put some of my thoughts together (the vastness of the ocean tends to do that for me). I’m glad to get some much needed rest and time to really and honestly reflect, without shying away from what’s going on inside me.
I’ve been traveling with the guys for a little over a month. Despite it being fun, for a while, I’ve been feeling a restlessness I haven’t been able to shake. Even though everything is beautiful and I’m visiting many new and exciting places, I’m not enjoying my journey 100%.
There’s something missing.
Traveling with other people, I feel like I’m always following someone else’s path, doing what someone else wants to do, hanging out with the people others want to hang out with, eating where others want to eat, and on and on..
In short, I’ve been compromising for the sake of the group. While it felt right at first, I no longer find joy in it because I don’t like the way I’m behaving.
Eating unhealthy food. Being judgemental. Letting myself be drawn into arguments about unimportant matters. Letting my wounded ego take over when someone says something hurtful. Feeling stagnant and out of place.
It’s not always the breaking of my good habits . It also has to do with the fact that, in being in a group, it’s harder to meet people on the same wavelength as me. The guys are adventurous, and we all love to go trekking and stuff like that.
But they’re not into yoga. They’re not into meditation. They’re not into spirituality, faith, or a holistic lifestyle.
So I’m starved, and I don’t feel like I’m being me.
It’s tiring. Exhausting even.
It zaps all my energy and enthusiasm for the rest of my trip, and I keep wondering if I should just cut it short and head home.
I miss my life in New York. I miss my routine. I miss my friends. I miss the afternoons reading at El Beit with a delicious cappuccino. I miss counseling. I miss learning.
I miss knowing in my bones, my heart, and my soul that I am living my purpose, and in accordance with my values.
Right now, I feel like I’m just traveling for traveling’s sake. But the type of trip I wanted was more of a spiritual journey.
This morning, during the ferry crossing from Rach Gia, one of the guys and I were talking about which beaches we wanted to go to. I mentioned I would love to go to one of the beaches in the south of the island because I had heard there were no other people there. The idea of having the whole beach to myself is very appealing.
He wondered out loud why a deserted beach would be so attractive to people. In his opinion, a whole beach for himself would be nice, but he would want to have people around after a short while.
I told him that, for me, a beach all to myself is appealing because it’s a place where you can be by yourself with nature unspoiled by the touch of man. A place where you can be in awe and appreciation at the wonder of the vastness and creativity of nature.
He said he thought it was the opposite: that a deserted beach appealed to people because it somehow gave them a sense of power.
While that may be the case for some, I disagree. For me, the appeal lies in being one with nature, attaining a sense of peace.
And once this thought popped into my head, it struck me that I didn’t need a deserted beach to be at peace. It’s nice to have that experience, but I don’t need it.
I would still like to visit this part of the island, but I know I can find peace anywhere.
The peace I seek is found within me.
This, again, made me wonder why I’m still traveling. I know that, whatever I am searching for, I will find inside me.
Furthermore, I felt a deeper sense of peace, and closer to what I seek, back in Brooklyn.
So I am torn.
Torn because I feel I lost my way and the energy I felt shinning so strongly from within me at the beginning of this journey is dimmed, and I want it back. Torn because, despite this, I still want to visit a lot of places before I go home.
Part of me thinks I should just go back home. This doesn’t feel right anymore. I feel I’m just drifting, following the currents of a path not my own.
But perhaps the solution isn’t to head home, but to break away from the group and travel on my own. Follow my own intuition. Make my own decisions.
I think re-reading “The Alchemist” (which I just finished last night), helped me tremendously.
And also, even though we haven’t met up here in Vietnam yet, the proximity of my friend Yvonne has been an inspiration.
I met her while traveling in New Zealand and was hoping to see her again while we both traveled in Southeast Asia. I knew that, by this time, she would probably be in the same region as me. Turns out, she just got to Phu Quoc yesterday and is staying until November 27th!
Like I said, I haven’t run into her yet. But her nearby presence reminded me of her fierce independence, which I admire. In my head, I had a “conversation” with her, as I know she would ask me why not just travel on my own.
This thought has popped up a couple of times before, but I haven’t taken it seriously out of fear: first, fear for my security, second, fear of being lonely, and, third, because traveling alone is more expensive.
But, while taking precautions is important, I know I shouldn’t base my decisions on fear. Plus, my fears and insecurities about it are a good indication that this would be the right path to follow.
Especially because, asides from the “scary”, there is also… the “exhilarating”!