I’ve been really sagging (not to say sucking) in the blogging department. Or at least in the department that is in charge of initiating the blogging experience.
Not that it’s an excuse or justifies it in any way, but I’ve been going through a lot of rapid changes, epiphanies and realizations.
It made it quite hard to write: the changes were so fast that, by the time I wanted to write about them, I’d be on to the next thing. And I needed to be fully present in those moments for them to be fruitful.
Writing takes me out of the present; it requires I try to explain the experiences that have already happened in the past in words that barely describe what I’m trying to express.
It’s an interruption of the experience.
But, being as what I’m trying to do here is inspire and empower others to live their lives in a better, more connected way… it’s kind of required.
Quite the mind-fuck.
Good thing writing can also be very therapeutic and bring lots of realizations too.
This is exactly what happened while chatting with my friend Yvonne, who is a total sweetheart and an amazing, beautiful soul.
First, let me tell you what’s been going on in my life:
While in Thailand, I happened upon a magical place that was a catalyst for a lot of spiritual progress. It’s the type of place that is beautiful and full of welcoming people who make you feel like family.
It is also the type of place that, because you’re free to just be your true self, increases your awareness and pushes all your buttons.
So.. LOTS of epiphanies about the way I operate.
I’ve written about a couple of them before, such as how I use my thoughts as a coping mechanism. Or how being in the present allows us to flow.
But then I ran into issues.
Why don’t they ever go away?
Hmm.. Must have something to do with the point of life…
Anyhoo! Back to the subject! (See how our mind just gets distracted all the time?)
The issues came up because, in becoming aware I was able to detach. Stop identifying myself with my thoughts and feelings.
It was great!
I could laugh at the things that crossed my mind. Things like taking things personally, feeling offended, making a huge deal out of something insignificant.
It was like watching a movie.
And then the question came…
WHO AM I WITHOUT MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS???
Insanity (and paranoia about being insane!) ensued.
I no longer knew how to function. Constantly being aware of the higher self inside, the one that is not separate but is always connected to everything else in the universe, everything else seems like role play.
Like it’s not real.
It’s just pretend.
So what’s the point of it??
What, exactly, is the point of life when everything is already fine, there are no problems. How am I supposed to operate?? What am I supposed to do with myself?
Why am I here???
A while after realizing I’m not my ego, I started freaking out.
And then I realized I was identifying with the freaking out, which was really my sneaky ego ensuring its survival.
Ohh… This spirituality thing is so convoluted and confusing!
Never-ending stuff, I tell you!
But that’s not the point.
The point is that I started feeling quite detached from everything. And that was really scary.
I couldn’t enjoy fully anymore. Everything seemed devoid of “it-ness.”
Which is exactly the way everything exists: emptiness is the word Buddhists use.
Nothing is exists on its own. Instead, everything exists interdependently.
This realization is supposed to make it easier to live.
Once you see that everything in your life comes through your mind, your perception, and that nothing that you are reacting to is “out there”… It’s supposed to be easier to stop reacting and stop the attachments and aversion, and therefore the cycle of suffering.
But this is not what happened with me.
It appears I was addicted to the ups and downs of life’s rollercoaster.
Ohhh.. how I missed the drama!!
The withdrawal pains were earthquakes rocking the whole foundation of what I thought was my self.
I became depressed because everything lost its flavor.
I couldn’t even enjoy being sad because my higher self knew that everything was ultimately ok.
I couldn’t give in to my sadness.
It’s quite a funny thing when you realize you WANT to be sad and you can’t.
I just wanted to feel anything, really.
When I realized the emptiness and impermanence of things, I focused on the future loss when I should have just stayed in the present.
The issue was that I felt completely fragmented.
On the one hand, I was still experiencing all these thoughts and feelings.
On the other, I was very aware that the thoughts and feelings were temporary. This made them seem not real, which is why I couldn’t surrender fully to them in order to release them.
I felt trapped with this knowledge of the nature of reality.
I wanted to erase it all and go back to ignorance.
But I knew that was my ego speaking. It felt very threatened.
I just kept telling myself to breathe and stay present.
Sometimes I was more successful than others.
Of course, then you have to let go of your attachment to the successful times. Otherwise, you will generate disappointment and frustration when your thoughts inevitably return to the past or the future.
Complete acceptance. Complete forgiveness.
Something I haven’t had the fortune (yet!) to achieve.
But it’s ok. I’ll get there someday.
(Ohh.. I’m making progress!).
So… I’ve already told you why I dislike writing. But I have to admit it has its uses.
While chatting online with Yvonne, I had to explain my feelings in writing.
Clearly, as opposed to the way in which they appear in my mind.
Of course, this forced me to organize my experience in a way I hadn’t done before, which is what brought me to a couple realizations:
#1 – I’m living in my head again.
This is a recurring issue. It appears my higher chakras are more active than my lower ones.
I don’t know if that’s accurate, but that’s what it feels like.
It’s like my soul feels trapped in this body, which holds it hostage to this physical world. So it cannot go and float around without attachments.
It doesn’t know how to operate in this world; it doesn’t want to stick around.
This “acting like a human” thing is too confusing, and it doesn’t feel like role playing anymore.
What’s the point? It’s all meaningless anyway.
#2 – I need to get back into my body.
This means I need to go back to my physical practice, which I pretty much abandoned while traveling.
Yoga. Exercise. Moving around.
Anything that will get me back into my body and into my senses.
It is a wrong assumption in spirituality that, because our senses “deceive us” and make us feel that things have inherent existence, we should ignore them.
Doing that, as I have seen from personal experience, will only put us at odds with our bodies.
Like it or not, we do have bodies and we do have egos. So we have to make friends with them instead of enemies.
Enlightenment comes through them, not in spite of them.
The moments in which I have felt the most alive and present have been the moments in which my senses were firing so strongly that there was no choice as to what to pay attention to.
Thoughts don’t have a chance when you’re so present and so connected.
#3 – Some meditation practices are dangerous for me.
Don’t get me wrong, meditation is an amazing. It can bring lots of insights and work wonders in your path to enlightenment.
But, in my case, certain meditation practices just tend to get me into my head and into trouble.
It’s very easy for me to get too spiritually high, and then it’s hard for me to get grounded again.
I feel loopy.
Like it’s a play, everything and everyone working together but there’s no meaning in sticking around because everyone is just acting.
In those moments, I feel connected because the feeling of one-ness is strong.
But I also feel disconnected because my ego starts freaking out, which leads me to focusing on my individual self. And then the illusion that the ego creates that I’m a separate entity starts feeling real…
In those moments, the feeling of connectedness stays in the background but my attention is taken over by the feeling that I’m separate when really I’m part of the whole.
It’s very unsettling.
So the meditation practices that work for me are those that get me out of my head and more into my body and my senses, such as walking meditations.
#4 – The one, all-important reason to stick around is to empower others so they can fulfill their potential.
That is the meaning of life.
That is the whole point.
We are on this journey from ignorance to enlightenment so that we can realize and appreciate our own one-consciousness.
It’s as if consciousness created this whole spectacle so that it can love and appreciate itself.
(Maybe it has issues as well).
My most important epiphany out of this whole conversation was the realization of my soul’s overwhelming wish for everyone to see their true nature and cease suffering.
This wish, true compassion, arises out of the realization of the unity of everything.
So there was never any other point because there is nothing other than inspiring and empowering “others” to realize their own one-ness.