I’m feeling sad and angry

Woke up feeling sad and pissed off. And I’m not going to ‘fix’ it.

Sometimes (most times, I would argue), you just need to let the feelings be instead of judging them and calling them wrong.

Trying to manage and change your emotional experience all the time not only is exhausting, but also sends a signal to yourself that you’re not ok as you are.

That there’s something wrong with you for feeling the way you feel.

And even when you have no clue why you’re feeling that way, it’s best to practice acceptance of what is.

It’s a practice of self-love, no matter how you feel.

And the other gift it brings, asides from confidence, freedom and enjoyment, is that in letting yourself feel the feeling, you gain insights on yourself and your patterns that you wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.

Don’t chop yourself off from your feelings.

It’s inflicting self-violence and it only leads to fragmentation and disconnection.

So take a deep breath, and feel what’s there to feel without judgment.

I promise you’ll feel massive amounts of self-love, gratitude, and love for people and life.

  

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I’m feeling angry and sad

  
I’m feeling really angry.
Really angry and sad.

There’s a deep seated rage, and it wants to lash out.

I feel like I was violated.

And yet… It was just words, and words that came out of care and wanting to protect me.

But they hurt instead.

Why does that happen?
Why do sometimes people hurt us with their caring?

I don’t know.

I just know that it hurts.

That the words left me feeling untrusting of my own self, of my own sense of safety.
My own sense of whether I’m safe or not.

Prior to the words, I’d been feeling happy and loved and supported, choosing to trust in the opportunity laid ahead of me even when it seemed a bit quick and farfetched, though totally doable at the same time.

I chose, despite my learned helplessness about these matters, to trust that the task at hand is possible, because I’m not doing it alone.

And I’ve so wanted to not do it alone for such a long time.

I’m realizing now, I felt a sort of relief about this opportunity.

Relief at the invitation to offer my knowledge and experience in relating to people, and that I wouldn’t have to figure out how all on my own.

And the words triggered the fearful part of me, the part that wonders if I’m being taken advantage of, the part that wants to close off and protect myself.

The part that feels like I’m alone in it.

The part that’s painful, and that I had felt relieved from.

And I’m really mad at this person for saying those words right now.
For projecting her own fears, even if they were out of caring.

It was like the floor dropped out from under me.

It brought me back to that moment when I was 4, and got into the elevator by myself and felt completely fine and safe until I heard my mom freaking out through the elevator doors.

When I go back to that moment, I feel puzzled.
Everything was fine. What was there to freak out about?

And it made me question my sense of things being ok.

It’s why I’m feeling sad now.
Why I’m feeling sad and angry.

And yet, I’m also feeling grateful.

Because I’m getting to practice feeling the rush of sensations in my body.

The feeling that I’m going to explode from the energy of the anger coursing through me, and the feeling of sadness behind my eyes.

And then another sadness comes.

The sadness that I haven’t been letting myself experience my emotions like this in a while, and the sadness that I haven’t been listening to my heart.

I’m so sorry.

And then my heart perks up and expands a bit, feeling heard for the first time in a very long time.

I’m so sorry.

That I’ve been so immersed in surviving, that I’ve forgotten (how) to follow your cues.

I forgive myself.

I want to listen more, and follow suit.
And I’m scared I’m not able to.

But we’ll find a way.

  

To Force or to Let Go?

Happy ChooseDay, Beloveds!

I’ve been pondering a lot on one of the biggest lessons I learned while I was long-term traveling abroad by myself for the first time.

Things come back in this ever shifting spiral of experiences that we call Life, always deepening the roots of the lessons we have to learn.

I had *trained* myself to be a ‘good spiritual person;’ someone who doesn’t judge or get angry, who is always compassionate, and coming from a place of ‘oneness.’

I had a healing from the wonderful Ciara Kirby, and all that was wiped off.

I found all the anger I didn’t even know I had inside, and found myself being easily irritated by the smallest things. Things that I would have brushed off so easily before, they wouldn’t even have registered as irritants.

I did not like it one bit.

And I was scared that I was going to be like this for the rest of my life.


I had to let go of my past self, but what if I didn’t like the me I would become?

I had to develop such strong trust and faith in the process.

In the end, everything I has *trained* myself into came about again, but naturally and not from who I thought I ‘should’ be.

In loving myself as I was, even in those dark places I hadn’t known in me before, I found there was room for the anger, and the judgment, and the compassion, and the ‘oneness.’

After all, how could there be compassion for others if I wasn’t compassionate towards my own human emotions?

This goes for everyone.

You can try to force yourself into becoming the person you think you should be, or you can let go, trust the process, and melt into the person you are meant to be.

We live in a society that’s very much about achieving through discipline and force.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

There’s something beautiful and magical about the combination of letting go, and having trust, and having compassion for ourselves as we move through the process. It leads to a very powerful balance that feels right and true because we’re not shutting out any part of us.

We feel loved and enough because we are loved and enough by ourselves.

And that’s some powerful shit.

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Choose Your Story Wisely

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books?

Oftentimes, we feel as though life throws things at us and we have no control over anything.

But what if that’s not true? What if all the ways in which we perceive the world were up to us to choose?

I have to admit, this is a lesson that keeps coming up time and time again. I learn it, I apply it, I thrive, I fall off the wagon, and…

DESPAIR. RESISTANCE. ANGER. SADNESS.

All beautiful emotions that make me human. I’m grateful for them, really… They are not the most comfortable thing to feel, but they bring with them so much growth and learning about myself.

And then, I get to FORGIVENESS… And I remember that I get to choose whether I believe the stories my mind spins.

This morning, as I was riding the subway to meet my accountant, it dawned on me for the umpteenth time that I didn’t have to.

So liberating!

In a moment of absolute clarity, the wisdom came from somewhere deep inside me and said there’s nothing to be sad or angry about because they are all just stories.

My mind remembers these things, but then I have to wait until my body catches up when it forgets. This is exactly what happened in that moment.

My body remembered.

And then, out of its own volition, it picked up my phone to type the following words up. I don’t know if it was for my benefit, yours, or ours… But here it is:

Are you plagued by feelings of unworthiness?

Feelings of not being good enough, of not deserving the good things that come your way in life?

What is your reaction when someone compliments you or praises you?

Are you able to fully receive it and feel deep inside…

Yes! I DID do a good job!

Or

Yes! I DO look great!

Or

Yes! I AM a good person/friend/mother/father/etc?

If the feeling that comes up when someone praises you or compliments you in any way, it’s one of distrust, of

Why is this person telling me this?

Or

What do they want from me?

chances are that a part of you doesn’t feel deserving of it. Whatever that person’s motivation is (and that is something to take apart and judge separately), has nothing to do with whether you feel worthy of the praise or not.

So how can we get to the place where we do feel deserving?

Well, the reason we don’t is that at some point in time we have incorporated stories that say we don’t deserve it. That we need to be different from who we are, do things different from the way we would naturally do them, or just work our ass off to deserve anything.

Whether the story comes from your religion, your culture, your parents, teachers at school, or friends… The point is…

It is just a story.

When we recognize it as a story, we can choose to let it go. Or at the very least, choose not to believe it.

Every time this little voice comes up to tell you you are unworthy, not good enough, or undeserving… Take it in, embrace it lovingly and tell it gently that you appreciate it, but don’t believe it.

Agree to disagree.

And firmly add another voice to the party in your head:

I DO deserve this.

And

I AM good enough.

And

It is my birthright.

I love it when my wise body speaks so directly!

What is yours saying? What are some stories you are ready to let go off?

From Numb to Orgasmic: Part 1 (Without Drugs!)

You know that feeling?

The way you feel life is passing you by and you’re just going through the motions? When you feel distant, disconnected from your body, your emotions, and the people in your life?

Yeah… nothing quite gets to you so you don’t get upset much.

But there’s something missing…

What is it?

Perhaps if you stop to consider, life seems a blur. Nothing stands out… Everything is a bit… muted.

Toned down.

How did that happen?

Sometimes, in the quest to stop feeling our ‘negative emotions’ so much, we distract ourselves. We numb ourselves out.

Common and well-known ways to do this are watching TV, playing video games, shopping, eating, drinking, drugs, pain-killers… even working can become a distraction when we do it excessively.

But… Has it ever occurred to you that maybe too much ‘thinking’ can also be a numbing agent?

When we’re involved so much with our left brain, explaining, analyzing, rationalizing, justifying, evaluating… we don’t leave much room to take in our life from different avenues.

Our body, our senses, our emotions…

Aghhh! But that’s what we were trying to avoid, right?

Our emotions!

We don’t want to feel so deeply and, our body, being the interface through which that happens (because emotions are nothing but sensations in the body that are triggered by thoughts), also gets left aside in the process.

We breath shallowly, avoiding getting our breath all the way into our belly, lest it awaken some unwanted feeling in that emotional center of our body.

We analyze everything that happens around us to death, because it’s much easier than allowing ourselves to feel the slef-doubt, anger, sadness, or feeling of separatedness, of being different.

So life becomes less vibrant. Less… alive, because we are leaving a whole side of ourselves behind.

We create that split in ourselves, precisely by allowing ourselves to take life in only through a part of us.

So how do we reverse this?

Integration.

This is the true meaning of ‘yoga,’ an ancient practice aimed at aligning our whole selves with our center.

You might know it as those weird positions that make your body hurt in places you didn’t know existed.

But there’s much more to yoga than that. It’s not just the weird positions, but a way of life.

The same goes for Taj Chi, Chi Gong, and many other forms of martial arts.

These are systems that were developed to foster a more integrated life.

You could take advantage of that and start your own practice.

But it’s not necessary.

You can also start becoming aware of in which ways you numb yourself out, and perhaps choose to allow yourself to feel whatever is running through you without trying to explain it away.

And through you it runs, because nothing is permanent so you can be sure this feeling is only temporary as well.

When you do that, you will notice that you feel more integrated and at peace, because there is no longer a nasty part of you you’re trying to hide from yourself.

This is a practice of self-love, allowing yourself to be you in your totality.

To be whole.

 

Jump in!

What are some of the practices you use to feel more whole?