I’m feeling angry and sad

  
I’m feeling really angry.
Really angry and sad.

There’s a deep seated rage, and it wants to lash out.

I feel like I was violated.

And yet… It was just words, and words that came out of care and wanting to protect me.

But they hurt instead.

Why does that happen?
Why do sometimes people hurt us with their caring?

I don’t know.

I just know that it hurts.

That the words left me feeling untrusting of my own self, of my own sense of safety.
My own sense of whether I’m safe or not.

Prior to the words, I’d been feeling happy and loved and supported, choosing to trust in the opportunity laid ahead of me even when it seemed a bit quick and farfetched, though totally doable at the same time.

I chose, despite my learned helplessness about these matters, to trust that the task at hand is possible, because I’m not doing it alone.

And I’ve so wanted to not do it alone for such a long time.

I’m realizing now, I felt a sort of relief about this opportunity.

Relief at the invitation to offer my knowledge and experience in relating to people, and that I wouldn’t have to figure out how all on my own.

And the words triggered the fearful part of me, the part that wonders if I’m being taken advantage of, the part that wants to close off and protect myself.

The part that feels like I’m alone in it.

The part that’s painful, and that I had felt relieved from.

And I’m really mad at this person for saying those words right now.
For projecting her own fears, even if they were out of caring.

It was like the floor dropped out from under me.

It brought me back to that moment when I was 4, and got into the elevator by myself and felt completely fine and safe until I heard my mom freaking out through the elevator doors.

When I go back to that moment, I feel puzzled.
Everything was fine. What was there to freak out about?

And it made me question my sense of things being ok.

It’s why I’m feeling sad now.
Why I’m feeling sad and angry.

And yet, I’m also feeling grateful.

Because I’m getting to practice feeling the rush of sensations in my body.

The feeling that I’m going to explode from the energy of the anger coursing through me, and the feeling of sadness behind my eyes.

And then another sadness comes.

The sadness that I haven’t been letting myself experience my emotions like this in a while, and the sadness that I haven’t been listening to my heart.

I’m so sorry.

And then my heart perks up and expands a bit, feeling heard for the first time in a very long time.

I’m so sorry.

That I’ve been so immersed in surviving, that I’ve forgotten (how) to follow your cues.

I forgive myself.

I want to listen more, and follow suit.
And I’m scared I’m not able to.

But we’ll find a way.

  

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Uncomfortable Yet Fulfilling Truths

I'm not afraid of my truth anymore and I will not omit pieces of me to make you comfortable / confidence speak up quote

After a few painful experiences that left me lost, confused and without trusting myself, the last couple of years have seen me shrink in my ability to speak up and say what I think out of fear of being wrong, being judged, not being liked or losing friendships or connections.

I doubted the value of what I had to say, so I didn’t say much.

I thought,

Who am I to say this? There’s so many ways of looking at things, what if I’m wrong and this person takes my word for it and their life goes on a different direction because of something I said?

 

I didn’t want to take responsibility for that because I wasn’t sure of what I believed anymore.

This had an effect, not only on my personal life but also in my work. How could I tell other people how to live more fulfilling lives when I was stuck in this cycle? When I was doubting the very foundation of how I live my life?

This is why I hadn’t been as active in my offerings for a while.

Can you relate with this pervasive self-doubt?

Over the last year, I’ve been finding this trust in myself again, being surer of my convictions, how I see life and what’s important.

I’m finding my voice again.

And with that, came the risks of uncomfortable conversations. Sometimes even the guilt of possibly having hurt someone’s feelings or upset them out of being more true to myself.

Ouch!

Just a couple days ago, I was having a conversation with someone in which I shared my point of view on a few things. Unbeknownst to me, this person was upset by what I said and they sent me an email about it later. And I had to sit with it, feeling the consequences of simply saying what I thought about something.

Part of me thought,

I went too far.

I stepped on this person’s toes and it was none of my business!

I shouldn’t have said this. I should have said it in a different way.

I should have waited until another time to say it.

 

And other things along those lines.

But then this other thought came:

I was just sharing what I thought, without any ill intention. It’s unfortunate that’s how this person received it, but I really had no control over that in this particular situation because I really didn’t say anything hurtful. I had no control over how this person would interpret things.

 

There are situations in which we need to be mindful of our words and delivery, for sure.

In this case, I didn’t know the topic was so touchy that I needed to watch out for that. The guilt I felt was unfounded.

So I came to the conclusion that, while I’m sorry the person was upset, I couldn’t have done anything differently… and I wasn’t going to let an incident like this shrink my belief in myself and what I had to say.

Sharing what we think can definitely be unpleasant sometimes, but it’s important that we say YES to ourselves.

Every time we choose to speak up instead of shrink, is an act of self-love. [Tweet it!]

And it builds on itself. We feel more solid each time.

This is not to say that we don’t consider other people’s feelings and how to communicate things before we do (I don’t believe in categorical not caring about what others think/feel as a result of our choices; there is always room for discernment), it just means we consider ourselves first.

Whatever discomfort we have to go through to be truer to ourselves, is worth it.

Living a life held back by fear of what others will think is not only painful, but incredibly unfulfilling. It might feel safer, but we’re the one inside the cage.

So:

I’m not afraid of my truth anymore and I will not omit pieces of me to make you (or myself) comfortable.

 

Who says it with me?

Please share how this resonates in the comments, and share this post with others if you believe in the power that lies in speaking your truth.

He Strikes Again: Dealing With That Loud Inner Critic

It’s a great practice to not compare ourselves so much with others. Or at the very least, to use it for inspiration instead of tearing ourselves down.

I have to admit, as I do my research to see who my ‘competition’ for my upcoming offerings is and even just as I scroll through my news feeds on various social media platforms, it’s so easy for my insecure inner critic to start telling me how I can’t do what they are doing.

It looks at offerings similar to what I want to do and says that it’s already out there and no one will care. That I shouldn’t even bother.

Give up. You’re not good enough.

Yes. That’s there.

the reason we struggle with insecurity is because we judge ourselves by our content and everyone else by their cover quote Melody Kiersz

Didn’t your mama teach you?

And at the same time, there’s another voice that’s whispering and less audible, but I can hear it.

It says,…

It’s so awesome that those offerings exist because people are getting so much value out of them, feeling better about themselves and gaining power and confidence. That’s what we want, no? Even if it’s not through US.

Plus, your offering is not exactly the same and it comes through you. It has a different voice, and you can reach different people. Isn’t that cool?

And yes, isn’t that cool? I think so.

Of course, I don’t want to make the critic wrong: he is there because he wants me to stay safe, instead of risk what he sees as sure rejection.

I tell it firmly, that just because certain things didn’t work out in the past doesn’t mean they won’t work out now. I’m older and wiser and learned from my mistakes, and I’m also learning a lot more about marketing. And I thank him for his input, because I know he does it out of wanting to take care of me.

Whenever I hear this comparing critic, I thank him for wanting to protect me. Then I look for that other voice which isn’t as strident and pay more attention to what she’s saying. She inspires me to get out of my comfort zone and move forward.

Jump in!

How do you deal with your inner critic? What are some of the voices that keep you from putting your authentic heart desires and offerings out there?

Things I Should Do More Often: Ask for Support

 

Dear Beloveds,

I’ve been lax in my authentic sharing lately, haven’t I?

My life has been such a whirlwind of ups and downs that by the time I had a second to share something here, it was over… and I didn’t quite feel like reliving it.

Things have been moving forward with lots of changes and new commitments on the personal and professional level.

Getting personal

In the past month I have resolved to feeling more at ease in my body, not so much in a body image kind of way, but in a ‘I want to glide’ in my body through the day instead of feeling clunky in it. With the help of the genius Gina Schatz, I have been feeling so much more supported in my body. And it feels good!

Another commitment on the personal level has been that of relationship. I’ve written about this before, and I’m happy to say I’m more relaxed around giving men a chance instead of assuming they’re all douches. As a result, men have been approaching me more and I’ve gone on a few dates.  Brownie points for me!

On the professional level, I’ve created some huge game-changing projects.

1) A clothing line designed for people to feel good and confident, no matter they weigh or what their body shape is. This is something I’ve wanted to do since I was 13, and I’m finally making it happen.

2) A holistic makeover web series (or TV show), where we empower people to feel good about themselves and go after their ‘someday’ project, all while being supported by a life coach, a fitness/nutrition coach, and an image consultant.

Wouldn’t it be great if we had TV shows about people who have it all that are actually inspiring the rest of us to take charge of our lives and have it all as well?

We’re currently looking for our first subjects, so please inquire if you’re interested.

3) In my view, this project is the one with the largest potential to create a shift in the whole world. (Yes, I’m going BIG!):

Miracling is platform for making the impossible happen. All of those things we always wished for, but stopped ourselves in our tracks because we thought it could never happen or others wouldn’t care enough to lend us a hand. Through Miracling, we empower people to leverage their network and resources (coupled with our network and resources) in order to make things happen very fast.

The mission is to inspire the people of the world to take action on their ‘someday’ projects, ideas, and goals in a way that is fun and makes a difference for everyone: those contributing, and those being contributed to.

As people join and the network grows, we can take on larger and larger projects. The whole world becomes a playing field of collaboration, self-expression, community, and love.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

Now for the authentic sharing

I’ve been talking a lot about these new projects with everyone that will listen, but there’s that part of me that is feeling unsupported in making them happen.

My mind wants to make it like it’s me against the world and I’m all alone. It sure makes it easier for me to get discouraged, resigned, cynical and want to quit.

So I’m not reaching out to create the support I need because.. they don’t care.

The thing is, the lack of support is not out there. It’s in here.

This act (that nobody cares) is kicking in big time. And while I have knowledge of it, it’s not enough to get me to take action. I need to clear all that stuff before I create any new possibilities. Otherwise, I’m building on quicksand and it will sink.

I feel a bit lost.

It is my intention to create a platform for people to see what the world could be like if we all supported each other in our dreams. We would have 7 billion people watching out for us!

But since the rest of the world doesn’t operate on that level yet, I’m using it as a reason why I shouldn’t care myself.

Ironic, eh?

If this is the vision that I have of how things could work, it’s up to me to create this world I’m talking about.

It feels like I’m all alone in it, but it’s all a story constructed of things that happened in the past. Things that happened exactly the way I envisioned them because I did not actually believe people cared, so I made sure to prove myself right by creating experiences and situations that were in line with this view.

But it’s not what I want anymore, and it’s costing me and the world world a huge price.

The truth is that if people could see the possibilities of collaboration, self-expression and love that I see happening in the world, they would be in board.

I’m just not taking responsibility for it, and my lack of integrity around it when I dont walk my talk is slowly killing me.

So I’m clearing the space,  and I’m committing myself to being in integrity again and responsible for this shift happening.

Wo000ohoo!

With that comes… asking for your support.

What you can do:

  • Share this blog post.
  • Do you know anyone who might be interested in collaborating on one or more of these projects? Please spread the word far and wide. We never know what resources or networks other people have access to. Spreading the word is not very time consuming, and it’s one of the most effective contributions you can make!
  • Leave a comment on what you see would be available to you if everyone made sure you won the game of life. What would it be like if you had everything you wanted? Be specific. You might even be chosen for a Miracling miracle.
  • Let me know if you’d like to be a subject for one of our holistic makeovers. (We’re taking women only at the moment, but I do have visions for the men as well!).
  • Would you be interested in contributing to making miracles happen in a fun, crazy, collaborative, whirlwind and, did I say FUN, way? Please contact me. We’ll be doing an information session in NYC soon. If you are not nearby, we can patch you in on the phone.
  • Do any of my new projects inspire you? Please be in touch with me and tell me more.
  • Do you have any skills, resources or contacts you’d like to donate to one of these projects? Fabric or sewing materials, making phone calls, donations, equipment, time videotaping the pilot for the show, graphic/web design, copywriting, support with marketing, business planning, or fundraising, or anything else you can think of. All is welcome!
  • We especially need support in designing the Miracling website, which is currently under construction.
  • Surprise me with other creative ways of contributing.
  • There are countless ways in which you can support these initiatives that I’m not thinking about right now. But if you’re inspired, please be in touch even if you don’t know how you could contribute yet.

Yes, I’m talking a HUGE game here. And I have no doubt we can win.

We can do it. Together!

 

Using Protection (Or, Safety in Nakedness)

If this was high school, I guess this is where I would explain the whole safe sex thing and bring out all sorts of rubbery contraptions and stinky creams. Oh, and… let’s not forget the banana for practice!

Where am I going with this?

Like sex, practicing the art of leading a naked life pushes a lot of buttons. One of the major ones is the need for protection.

What if we’re there, in all our naked glory for people to see and they judge us? What if they don’t like us?

What if they throw tomatoes or eggs at us?

Or shoes, as Havi says.

When we are naked, there’s no shield. No distance. No barriers.

First of all, this is not entirely true.

While there might be no distance (unless you consciously choose to create some), there is a barrier.

But I’ll discuss that towards the end of the post.

First I need to deal with the whole “need for safety” thing.

Our current safety net is keeping us trapped

What people often forget is that it’s the shields that prevents others from seeing who we really are.

That artificial distance makes a true connection impossible. It makes it extremely hard for people to love us as we are, because we are not taking off the mask.

They just know who we pretend to be for them to like us.

The shield we create for others to appreciate us ends up trapping us in a role we feel we must play.

But it still leaves us feeling lonely at the end of the day because…

What good is it when the appreciation others feel is for a person that is only a version of who we really are?

And what good is it when we don’t feel free to let loose and share what’s really going on inside of us?

Or when we feel like we cannot ask for help or a favor because we believe people will think we are weak or that we are needy and annoying?

Isn’t it quite the paradox that we create distance when what we crave is closeness?

Personally, I’d rather people appreciate and love the whole of me, ugly bits and everything.

Because, you know what? I’m not perfect. And neither are they. Yet I still love them in their imperfection so why couldn’t they love me in mine?

I want to make a point here.

Yes, ideally, we would allow ourselves to be open and trusting and let down the defense mechanisms and masks that we wear to protect ourselves.

Sometimes, this is taken to mean that wanting protection is wrong.

I disagree.

The need to feel safe is completely natural.

The problem doesn’t come from wanting protection.

The issue here is that our perception of where the safety comes from is skewed.

We learned to live our whole lives believing that we are protecting ourselves when we hide a part of ourselves.

If we hide the “less desirable” parts, the parts that we are ashamed of, then people will like us better and we will get what we want which is ultimately to be loved and appreciated.

We might have learned this when daddy or mommy or even our teacher scolded us for certain behaviors and rewarded us for others, or when the kids at school teased us for our looks, habits, clothing, lack of abilities in certain areas, etc. Or it could have been the ballet teacher. Or the grandmother. Or the football coach.

The list is endless, and each situation is unique and yet universal.

We all have our story of how we learned to seek safety in hiding.

But this is not where safety is found.

Here’s a question:

How could we be loved unconditionally, when we are already setting up the conditions in which we feel people will love us?

Furthermore, how could we be loved unconditionally, when there are parts of us that we don’t even love ourselves?

The safety that we seek isn’t in hiding.

The safety is in loving all of ourselves enough that we stand strong and bare, open and vulnerable for others to be able to love us as we are.

The protection lies in believing in ourselves and acting accordingly.

In the knowing of our power and our strength, and the trusting of it.

The strength in the willingness to make ourselves vulnerable, comes from that. It is a product of our conviction that we can deal with whatever comes our way.

Yes, it might sting a little when someone doesn’t like us.

But then we remember that that’s ok. Sometimes we don’t like other people and that has nothing to do with them. It has to do with our preferences.

Nothing personal.

So this is where the barriers are: in knowing how to separate their stuff from our stuff.

In standing strong like a peaceful warrior, showcasing our sexy and our power… and our beautiful soul to all.

Jump in!

Please contribute by leaving a comment. What has been your experience?