I’m feeling angry and sad

  
I’m feeling really angry.
Really angry and sad.

There’s a deep seated rage, and it wants to lash out.

I feel like I was violated.

And yet… It was just words, and words that came out of care and wanting to protect me.

But they hurt instead.

Why does that happen?
Why do sometimes people hurt us with their caring?

I don’t know.

I just know that it hurts.

That the words left me feeling untrusting of my own self, of my own sense of safety.
My own sense of whether I’m safe or not.

Prior to the words, I’d been feeling happy and loved and supported, choosing to trust in the opportunity laid ahead of me even when it seemed a bit quick and farfetched, though totally doable at the same time.

I chose, despite my learned helplessness about these matters, to trust that the task at hand is possible, because I’m not doing it alone.

And I’ve so wanted to not do it alone for such a long time.

I’m realizing now, I felt a sort of relief about this opportunity.

Relief at the invitation to offer my knowledge and experience in relating to people, and that I wouldn’t have to figure out how all on my own.

And the words triggered the fearful part of me, the part that wonders if I’m being taken advantage of, the part that wants to close off and protect myself.

The part that feels like I’m alone in it.

The part that’s painful, and that I had felt relieved from.

And I’m really mad at this person for saying those words right now.
For projecting her own fears, even if they were out of caring.

It was like the floor dropped out from under me.

It brought me back to that moment when I was 4, and got into the elevator by myself and felt completely fine and safe until I heard my mom freaking out through the elevator doors.

When I go back to that moment, I feel puzzled.
Everything was fine. What was there to freak out about?

And it made me question my sense of things being ok.

It’s why I’m feeling sad now.
Why I’m feeling sad and angry.

And yet, I’m also feeling grateful.

Because I’m getting to practice feeling the rush of sensations in my body.

The feeling that I’m going to explode from the energy of the anger coursing through me, and the feeling of sadness behind my eyes.

And then another sadness comes.

The sadness that I haven’t been letting myself experience my emotions like this in a while, and the sadness that I haven’t been listening to my heart.

I’m so sorry.

And then my heart perks up and expands a bit, feeling heard for the first time in a very long time.

I’m so sorry.

That I’ve been so immersed in surviving, that I’ve forgotten (how) to follow your cues.

I forgive myself.

I want to listen more, and follow suit.
And I’m scared I’m not able to.

But we’ll find a way.

  

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All the intensity. None of the drama.

Watercolor by Marion Bolognesi

These days I’m feeling so much.

So muuuuuuuuuch.

It’s really quite ridiculous.

From the highs of ever-expanding joy, to the highs of deep cracks opening my heart even wider. Receiving all that there is, no matter what it is.

Letting myself be loved and seen and received in whichever way the other party loves, sees and receives me.

Without worrying about where things will go; If I do this, or that. Or don’t.

Just letting the depth of my true, soft vulnerability show in my heart and in my eyes and in my body.

So exquisite!

And so hard to describe.

You probably have no idea what I’m talking about. Or perhaps the sensations are so familiar that my words strike a chord.

This is the moment. The moment in which there is a choice:

To relax into the cracking, or contract around it trying to protect myself.

It’s really not a choice though. What good will it do me to contract?

Hearts were made to be broken, and in their breaking they become larger and more whole, able to contain even more.

That is the paradox.

Repressing Happiness?

Hello, dear ones!

 

How is this 4th of July weekend treating you?

Yesterday, I went to see Amma, the Hugging Saint from India. She’s making her annual stop in NYC, and the place was packed with people soaking in the atmosphere, eating the delicious food, offering donations and time, and waiting to receive her hug.

If you don’t know anything about her, this is a woman who’s desire to offer and give love was so great, that people worship her as a saint and a goddess, and built all this infrastructure for her to be able to follow this desire.

She is an inspiration to me, and millions of others.

Looking at her, it’s incredible how she gives hug after hug after hug non-stop, without food or pee breaks, while the rest of us need our distractions while we wait for hours to receive her embrace.

It’s always a beautiful thing to witness and experience.

The reason I’m writing about this is because something happened yesterday that I wasn’t expecting, and I’d love to hear if it resonates with you.

As I’ve mentioned in some of my previous posts, I’ve been experiencing some growing pains as I grow bigger and more visible.

I was feeling some sadness yesterday, and being a believer in allowing emotions to run their course, that’s what I was practicing.

I remind myself whatever I’m feeling is temporary, and that it carries a lesson with it if I get through it instead of around it.

So, there I was, feeling content to be feeling sad while watching the whole interplay and inner dialogue happen. All those voices I talk about in this diary. Witnessing what was going on inside me, at the same time being grateful for my ability to practice this.

And always reminding myself to take a look around and appreciate the amazing abundant life that I lead.

I was pretty ok with where I was, feeling this temporary sadness that I wasn’t sure where it came from.

As I got in line for my hug, I was in a very meditative state, drawing closer and closer to Amma. I was feeling at peace.

And then, I was finally in front of her, and she took me in her arms and hugged me whispering in my ear.

Out of nowhere, I started laughing!

You know that kind of uncontrollable laughter that bubbles up for no reason?

Yeah, that!

It was like this sadness was wiped away, and I walked away in a state of joy.

Later, as I was talking to a friend about how people experience being around Amma, he said he believes she brings out whatever is being repressed.

That struck a chord.

Whoa…. Was I repressing my joy???

And you know what? This voice inside of me went

 

Duh! Because you’re uncomfortable being happy., You feel like it’s a bubble that’s gonna burst any second so better just feel sucky all the time. That way, you can be comfortable because you know what you’re getting!

 

Huh?

I’d come across this before, but I never thought I was doing it.

Now I’m wondering when I learned this… What was it that happened in my life that set this pattern up?

If this struck a chord, please…

 

 

Jump in!

I’m very curious… How does this resonate with you? Do you feel like you do/have done this? What are your feelings/thoughts/opinions on this?

Please remember, this is a forum for sharing. No advice is being solicited, so please… None should be given.