For ages, I’ve been hearing teacher’s say that we eventually become friends with our ego, that part of ourselves that is small and scared and has a tendency to keep us small and scared.
That voice that tells us we are not good enough, that we will fail and that drives us to seek approval from the outside.
I’ve never been one for ego-bashing.
Instead, I’ve always preferred the “hold your ego’s hand” approach. It just wants love and attention so, give it precisely that and it will feel heard, happy and leave you alone.
Except that hasn’t been the case.
Well, it has been… But then it crops up again, every time I reach a new peak.
It tells me “But you could be more. You could be higher. You could be better.”
And promptly brings me off my enjoyment of my high because… it’s right, right? I could be more. I could be higher. And I could be even better.
But instead of feeling excited about the prospect, I feel… lacking. And then I get overwhelmed.
And shut down.
And pretty soon the stuck becomes “I suck.”
And then the “I suck” becomes, “Hey… I was high a few seconds ago, what happened? How could I let this happen? What’s wrong with me???”
So this doesn’t feel like being friends with my ego.
It feels more like a cease fire in which someone (me) is forcing us to shake hands and hold the peace because we have mutual interests in common.
Maybe I’m talking to the wall here and you have no idea what I’m talking about. But I hope you can relate.*
*If you do, please leave your comment!
I’ve been especially frustrated with this whole cycle lately because I’ve been really proud of my recent accomplishments, and then this voice comes and brings me tumbling down.
Wait… There’s a question here:
Why can’t I just enjoy the high for a bit? Why do I always have to immediately go looking for the next round, instead of savoring what I have right now?
This is valid.
There’s a fear that I’ll rest on my laurels. That I’ll be content, stop taking action and start slipping.
So as soon as I get what I want, this anxiety to start working on the next thing kicks in.
I’m setting an intention here, and in public, to make some time to enjoy and celebrate my accomplishments without feeling like I have to jump on the train to Next as soon as I arrive at my station.
Maybe I can wonder around, stop at the café for a nutritious smoothie and trust that I will continue on my journey shortly.
But getting back to this whole fucking my ego thing…
I had the privilege of having a session with the fabulous Andy Dolph from Ecstatic Light today, in which we had a conversation with my ego.
My ego was feeling a bit conflicted because, while he wants me to be happy, he felt that not pushing me to be better all the time (and reminding me how “I’m not there yet!”) would result in
1) me sitting on my ass and not doing anything.
2) him being out of a job and therefore dissolving into the ether. (Ego death, anyone?)
As it turned out in the end, my darling ego just wants to feel included.
The following conversation was what came up after our session with Andy ended. I felt I needed to go a bit deeper, and I needed to do it by myself.
Ego: I want to feel included.
Higher Self: You are included. Always. Melody loves you.
Ego: Then why does she want me to go away?It hurts.
Higher Self: Because she feels you’re always telling her she could do better, she could be more… So she feels like you don’t love her the way she is. That she is not fulfilling her potential. She feels she needs to hide this, that no one should know. She feels ashamed, and that she is not fit to help people out of this very same thing because she is still struggling with it. You remind her of that.
Ego: But I love her. That’s why I do it. I love her so much that I want her to continue moving up doing what she is doing. I’m so proud of her! She is amazing! She blows my mind with her amazingness all the time. She is so strong and transparent and willing to risk others seeing her as weak because she chooses to love herself (and me) so much that she’d rather alienate other people before making me feel less loved. She constantly rises to the challenges, picking herself up as a show of her love for herself, me and her commitment to serve selflessly. She is an inspiration. How can she feel ashamed? I don’t want her to feel ashamed.
Higher Self: So how can you drive her to continue on without her feeling “less than” or that there’s a lack?
Ego: Hmm… I don’t know. Perhaps I could just say “Keep going, you’re doing great!”?
Higher Self: That’s a start. She would like that.
Ego: I’m just scared that, if I don’t show her where she could be, her potential, she’ll just sit on her ass and be perfectly happy. Her evolution will stop.
Higher Self: And is there anything wrong with her being perfectly happy?
Ego: Errr…. No. It’s just that then I’m purposeless. Out of a job. I’ll disappear. I don’t want to die.
Higher Self: Is that true? Didn’t you just say you could instead cheer her on?
Ego: Yes. Yes, I can do that!
Higher Self: Plus, regarding this whole evolution stopping thing, life itself will take care of challenging her, asking her for more. You don’t have to take that on. There’s plenty of external stuff that’s going to keep asking her for more. Like all of the women asking for more sexual healing workshops, or opportunities to step out of her comfort zone. You don’t need to do that. You can just keep focusing on cheering her on.
Ego: But… Do you think that will be enough? She won’t stagnate?
Higher Self: Why don’t we try and see what happens? Are you willing to test it out?
Ego: Ok. I want her to be happy. I want her to know I love her.
Higher Self: She does now.
And, as it turned out, apparently I want my ego to love me as much as I want to love it.
I feel so close to my ego now that we’re practically having sex. Hence, the title of this post.
While I’m quite nervous about hitting the “Publish” button and allowing y’all to read this, I feel it’s part of my path and my practice to step out of my comfort zone in this way.
Please, please, please tread carefully and respectfully. As always, I’m not looking for advice but merely for people to share their experience regarding similar “stuff.”
The aim is to allow ourselves to be more visible, shed light on the darkness and give each other permission to be who we are, with our stuff and all. We all have it so let’s show it!