Haircuts, Sexiness and Letting Go

This might be one of those that are easier for women to relate to.

5 years ago, I committed myself to growing my hair all the way down to my waist. I wanted long, wavy, hippie hair.

The first 3 years, I got impatient and cut it again so, after that, I committed myself to it more fully. I was not going to cut my hair (for more than a trim/shape) until my goal was reached.

Until today.

Between all the traveling and not trusting random people with my hair, I hadn’t had a haircut in over a year.

This was especially bad because my ends were getting all split up, and it was not conducive to my hippie hair dream.

I had to get it trimmed, and also give it some shape.

That’s how I ended up at ION, a very chic hair salon in Soho, on a quarter waxing moon day (they’re supposed to be the time to cut your hair if you want it to grow).

I was very clear with my stylist, Mariano, and he understood exactly what I wanted.

While getting my hair washed (seriously, I would go to the salon just for that!), I got the feeling like I might want something different to reflect all the changes in my life.

As part of a recent serious commitment to finding a partner, I recently started really taking a look at all the ways in which I block myself from exactly that. I’m also taking a more grounded and clear direction around strategic business-building, and feeling more like a woman in that sense and less like a girl.

My hair was always long (as a true Latina), and it was a symbol of my roots, my femininity, my sexiness and a source of power for me.

Like a female Samson.

And one of the things that I realized recently is how much I incorporated my ‘Goddessness’ and my approval of my own sexuality as a way to be in control of my interactions with men.

It really brought me to see the difference between sensuality as manipulation and sensuality as self-expression, something that is not often addressed in Goddess workshops or the movement in general. (I’m offering a talk on this on Friday, by the way)

I decided this needed to change, because this inability to be soft (really soft, not just pretend soft) and step out of my comfort zone by giving up my control during interactions with potential partners was really getting in the way of me getting what I want.

And so it seemed to make sense to me to want to get out of my comfort zone with my hair, and let it represent my leaving behind these blocks along with my locks.

So as Mariano started to dry my hair, I told him I would like a more drastic change. Something feminine, but a bit edgier while still being low-maintenance.

The result is a shoulder-length layered cut that works straightened, or air-dried taking advantage of my natural curls.

When he was done, I was really happy to have taken the risk. My getting out of my comfort zone paid off.

And then…

I saw myself in the mirror a few moments later, and started freaking out.

Who is this???

The uncertainty that overcame me, just from a haircut, was unbelievable.

I couldn’t find myself in my reflection. I looked more mature, and less sexy than I’m used to.

And that was the point, right? To try on a different way of being.

But when my image reflected it, it was like there was no going back (though, yes, hair does grow back).

And what dawned on me is the extent to which I used my sensuality and sexiness as protection; my seductiveness was a weapon/defense-mechanism designed to keep myself unapproachable and separate, so that men could not hurt me.

Oh my god!

I felt so vulnerable. Still do! I feel cracked open, unsure of myself, wondering if men will notice me and afraid that they will at the same time.

It’s quite silly; I realize that ‘sexy’ is not my haircut, it’s me. And even looking at myself objectively in the mirror, that’s still there… it’s just a different way of sexy.

One that I’m not used to, and that’s a bit scary.

I don’t know this new me yet.

As uncomfortable as this is, I’m grateful. This is a much needed step, and I’m happy to let go of ways in which I got in my way.

Did I have to cut my hair for this? No.

But creating an outward change that I will see in the mirror every morning is a way of reminding myself to stay open and soft, no matter how uncomfortable the uncertainty is. It’s who I have to be to get what I want.

How Am I Not Myself?

Sweethearts,

Recently, I re-watched one of my favorite all-time movies, <a title="I I ❤ Huckabees.

It’s one of those movies that, after watching it for the first time, you’re most likely reaction will be a big, fat… “Huh???”

It’s a funny and intelligent mess, starting with a string of curses and a poem dedicated to a rock. (You rock, rock! and it certainly does rock.)

Which is why it’s on my list of favorites that I will watch again and again. Each time offers a different level of funniness and insight.
But I digress…

The reason I’m telling you about it is because there’s a line that has stuck with me since I re-watched I ❤ Huckabees a couple of weeks ago, and it keeps cropping up at the most random moments, sending me into loops.

 

How am I not myself?

 

 

Exactly.

How am I not myself? How am I not myself? How am I not myself???

I feel like I’m a character in that other baffling mind-bender of a movie, Being John Malkovich. (“Malkovich, Malkovich? Malkovich. Malkovich?“… You get my point.)

I particularly love this scene because it is a clear display of how we create masks and stories and habits that we repeat over and over again so that others will like us.

 

But the question is… Even if we do create these stories, are we not being ourselves?

How are we not ourselves?

How am I not myself?

I talk a lot about allowing ourselves to be who we are, without masks… But the masks are a part of us too.

They served us in the past, but perhaps no longer do… Perhaps they are keeping us from connecting now, and being ourselves would mean putting the mask down and allowing ourselves to be visible without them.
In any case, the reason I wanted to share this is because by virtue of this line being stuck knocking around in my head like a pinball machine, I’ve been experiencing the most ridiculous moments of silly bliss.

Honestly.

Try it.

After repeating it a couple of times, it’s so ludicrous that you cannot help but start laughing like a liberated idiot.

It’s the best short-cut to meditation ever.

 

Jump in!

How was it? Did you laugh? Did you slip into Beingness? Did you think “Oh boy, somebody must have dropped Melody on her head when she was a baby“?

Leave your reaction in the comments section. Pretty please.